Obama Calls Paris Attacks ‘Islamist Terrorism,’ ISIS Immediately Surrenders

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning an unexpected turn of events, ISIS — the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria — has offered an “immediate and permanent surrender” just a matter of days after pulling off its most deadly coordinated terrorist attack to date in Paris, France.

“We didn’t want to give in yet,” a tweet from an official ISIS Twitter account said, “but when your President Obama used the words ‘Islamist Terrorist,’ we had no choice but to offer an immediate and permanent surrender.” Conservative Republicans had heavily criticized President Obama for not specifically calling the events in Paris part of an Islamist terror attack, choosing instead to use broader terms. On Twitter, American right-wingers battered the president with tweets like, “Obama won’t call the attacks “Islamist” but was perfectly willing to politicize when barely over & cause uncertain,” and several conservative media pundits also lambasted the president for not specifically using the term “Islamist terrorism.”

The ISIS surrender tweet came just hours after Obama rather passively called the attacks an act of Islamist terrorism while he was having his morning coffee and toast while reading his copy of The Kenyan Times newspaper. “You know,” Obama reportedly told his wife, First Lady Michelle Obama, “these acts of Islamist terrorism are so tragic because they give people an excuse in their mind to be hateful toward an entire group of people for the acts of a few.” According to anonymous White House aides, as soon as the sentence came out of Obama’s mouth, an urgent message came to him from the CIA, stating that they’d picked up a tweet from an ISIS account that they had fully surrendered.

“Well, that was a good little coincidence then, huh,” asked Obama rhetorically according to reports. “I mean, the whole reason I didn’t call it Islamist terrorism was that it’s fairly obvious that ISIS are calling themselves Islamic, but that doesn’t mean they are representative of all of Islam. I have to wonder if some American conservatives want us lumping them in with the Ku Klux Klan, or the Westboro Baptist church.” Obama said that “people who live in glass temples shouldn’t throw rocks” and that “every major religion has had a dark ages to go through, so no one should be picking on the average Muslim who wants nothing to do with murder in the name of Allah.”

Obama also reportedly told his staff that he “shouldn’t have to use the words Islamist terrorism anymore” because “in 2015 aren’t we all smart enough to know that if you took the religion element out of this, people would still be blowing each other up over control of resources and money.” President Obama also said he’d “apologize to all the conservatives out there” who told him “the only way to defeat ISIS was to use two words to describe them that most of us already understood to describe them anyway.”

“I should have listened to them,” Obama said, “because as we all know calling something a conflagration instead of a fire is basically like lying, and if you say you’re going to put out a fire, someone might think you’re soft on fires.”

In a follow-up tweet, the ISIS Twitter account said, “Curse you, American Republicans, for seeing through our dastardly facades and figuring out the only way to beat us was by using a term to describe us that everyone already acknowledges anyway and so it would probably just be redundant, insulting toward non-violent Muslims, and inflammatory to do so, also what happened to the 140 character limit on tweets? This one is like way, way, way, way, way more than that.”

This story is developing, and will be updated with new details as they surface.