Obama Asks Biden How Many Guns He’s Taken So Far

SECRET SHARIA BUNKER, KENYA — Former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Socialism) told his former Vice President that he “needs an urgent status update” on a project assigned to him by their “mutual lord and savior, George Soros.”

“Joe, as you know Master Soros commanded us back in 2009 to ensure that every single gun owned by average Americans is identified and confiscated,” Obama wrote to Biden in a secret and urgent communique obtained by this outlet, “and now that you’ve been in power for over a month, it’s time for us to check-in on the project again. How many guns have you confiscated at this point, Joe?”

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Obama apologized for “not taking away more guns” during his tenure in office, but also blamed right-wing media figures like Sean Hannity and Dan Bongino for his “numbers not being higher.”

“I would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for that Bongino and Hannity! Bongino’s head is so big, it can pick up our coded transmissions,” Obama explained, “and he kept warning people that we were coming for their guns. By the time I’d personally show up to steal the guns out of their tool sheds and from under their beds, they’d go and lock their doors on me!”

Biden is expected to provide an update to Soros and Obama in the coming weeks. In addition to “Operation Take Guns from Cousin-Fuckers,” Obama asked Biden for an update a couple of other “vital libtarded missions.”

“By the end of the year, we need ‘In God We Trust’ off our currency. By the end of your second year we need Operation Jade Helm completed,” Obama advised, “and by the end of the third year, we better see every American in a forced gay marriage and having daily abortions, or Lord Soros will be very disappointed.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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