Obama Offers to Print Trump’s Articles of Impeachment on His Birth Certificate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya) has reached out to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and offered to let her use the long form version of his birth certificate to print the articles of impeachment against sitting President Donald J. Trump.

This morning, Speaker Pelosi made history, announcing that President Trump would join Andrew Johnson and William Jefferson Clinton as the only presidents impeached by the House of Representatives. Former President Richard Nixon resigned from office before facing a full impeachment vote in the House, but articles of impeachment were drafted against him. Pelosi began her announcement by invoking the Declaration of Independence.

Ms. Pelosi made her announcement just about an hour after Trump seemingly dared Democrats to impeach him, claiming he was ready for a full trial in the Senate.

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Reportedly, while he has managed to stay mostly out of the public spotlight during Trump’s presidency, Mr. Obama decided that he could use the impeachment process against Trump as a means to fundraise for his various charitable causes. Former President Obama reached out to Pelosi and told her he’d like to get a copy of the articles of impeachment that the House investigations may lead to. Obama would then take the articles and print them on copies of his long form birth certificate.

“Then, Nancy, I’d be able to sell them as postcards to people, and we’ll give the proceeds to charity,” Obama wrote in a letter to the Speaker. “I’ll be sure to send a copy to Don at the White House with a note that says, ‘Hey there Mr. President, I know you’ve been looking for this for some time, and I wanted you to have it. Make sure you turn it over and read the whole thing.'”

Obama estimates that he could make “billions of dollars” for charity if he finds the right price point for the birth certificate/articles of impeachment.

“This guy is the least popularly elected president with the lowest approval ratings of any president ever,” Obama wrote Pelosi. “Think about it! We could sell these MFs for buck apiece and we’d make an absolute mint! Speaking of minting, do you know if our secret plans to remove ‘In God We Trust’ from the coins is still underway, thanks to our Super Secret Socialist Deep State agents? Let me know when you get a chance. I can’t wait to put ‘Allahu Akbar’ on it instead.”

Mr. Trump was the loudest, most famous member of the so-called “Birther” movement. In short, Birthers believed and still believe that Mr. Obama is not a legal U.S. citizen and was ineligible to be president in the first place. It’s unclear, exactly why the previous 43 presidents weren’t asked to prove their citizenship so forcefully, but once the white reason is determined, this story will be updated.

“He’s been after me for this thing for a long time. Now, I think, finally, is the perfect time for him to get it,” Obama wrote. “It’s the perfect time for him to get a hot poker up his ass too, but all in due time, all in due time. In Soros’ name we pray, Hail Satan!”

Speaker Pelosi has not, as of yet, responded to Obama’s offer. The White House also did not comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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