O.J. Simpson to Auction ‘Just Some Random Knife’

LOVELOCK, NEVADA — Orenthal “O.J.” Simpson, taking cues from George Zimmerman, has decided to put up a knife for auction to help pay some of his ongoing legal fees. Mr. Simpson insists, however, that the knife he’s selling “isn’t any knife in particular” and that he “swears on the life of [his] ex-wife” that it’s “just some random knife.”

“This knife,” Simpson said in a statement his attorney read to reporters, “is just some random knife. And I swear on the life of my ex-wife to that fact. Right here and right now. Yes indeed, that is not a knife that can in any way be used to solve anything, and it most certainly wasn’t used in any nefarious ways.”

O.J. — known as “The Juice” from his football career — wrote in the statement that seeing Zimmerman auction his gun gave him some ideas of his own. Mr. Zimmerman of course is the man who killed an unarmed black teenager named Trayvon Martin and was acquitted for the crime of murder even though pretty much anyone with what legal scholars call “half a brain” would have convicted him for murder since he provoked the attack and Martin wasn’t breaking any laws. Simpson’s statement said that “for some totally unknown reason” he “really feels a kindred spirit with George.”

“I decided to auction this knife,” the statement read, “to the highest bidder. This knife is about 20 years old, but hasn’t been used in almost that amount of time either. It’s been, uh, kept in a special place. Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

Simpson said that he will personally autograph the knife to the winner of the contest if they so desire.

“And hey, if I sign it, that makes it go up in value quite a bit,” O.J. wrote, “and I’d say you could really make quite a killing with this knife. Really. Quite an undeniable and infamous killing with it.” Simpson’s letter would go on to say that if the knife auction went well he’d have “a nice pair of TOTALLY RANDOM gloves” and a “fun, flirty knit wool cap THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY FAMOUS NEWS STORY FROM THE 1990’s AT ALL.”

The auction house in charge of the knife sale has set the opening bid at $1,000. Simpson has said if the proceeds of the auction reach a certain amount, he will donate a portion to a charity he set up for families of accused murderers because “those people hold a special place” in his heart, which he reiterated several times “has nothing do with any particular event” from his past.

This is a developing story.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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