Congressman: U.S. Needs Trump Muslim Ban Because of NYC Truck Attacker Who Was From Country Not on Ban List

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) held a press conference this morning shortly before starting his work as a congressman for the day in the nation’s capital. Thompaulsen was speaking about the tragic attack in Manhattan yesterday that left eight dead and more injured when he demanded that his colleagues “do whatever it takes” to get President Donald Trump’s highly controversial ban on people from six Muslim majority countries passed through Congress and onto Trump’s desk to sign into law.

“Clearly what we need to do is get this Muslim ban passed through Congress so the Obama-packed lower courts will stop striking it down just because it’s, like, technically not legal to discriminate against religions in this country,” Thompaulsen said, rolling his eyes as he spoke.

Trump took to Twitter to, as Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would later describe it, “bring unity to the country by politicizing the even and mocking a Democratic senator.”

Editor’s Note: Uzbekistan, where the NYC attacker was originally from, is in Asia, not Europe.

Rep. Thompaulsen told reporters that in the wake of domestic terror attacks, the “only thing sensible, good, clean, ammo hoarding patriots” do is “figure out ways to compromise the American values they allegedly love so much.” He pointed to the Patriot Act as a prime example of Americans being willing to “completely trash the freedom and liberty our men and women in uniform are supposedly protecting.”

“What we Republicans understand is that true freedom comes with a price tag,” Thompaulsen said, “and that the full retail price of freedom is the willingness to have much less freedom. If you don’t get that, you’re probably a socialist, a cuck, or a socialist cuck.”

Thompaulsen says that the First Amendment is “kind of just a suggestion at this point,” and he believes now might be a good time to explore changes to it.

“Sure, the spirit of this country has always been personal freedom and liberty,” Thompaulsen admits, “but isn’t there such a thing as giving certain types of people too much freedom? I mean, do we really hold any truths about all being created equal as self-evident anymore? Sure, a white guy just shot 500 people in Las Vegas, but why focus on that when we can grab the low hanging fruit of radicalized people who are being helped into radicalizing by our country’s own foreign policy for the last century?”

Ultimately, Thompaulsen says, Americans will have to confront some “real, hard, inconvenient truths” in the coming weeks and months.

“If we don’t live in a country where we can’t arbitrarily ban people from entering our country because of their religion,” Thompaulsen said, “and then watch someone who came to America from a country not on that banned list of countries attack us on our soil and use that as justification for a ban that wouldn’t have stopped them anyway, do we really live in America anymore?”

Some more satire:

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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