WASHINGTON, D.C. — The second day of open impeachment hearings in the House Intelligence committee saw two Republican congressmen caught up in a moment of confusion that, at the time of publication, is still ongoing.
Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA), the ranking member of the committee is currently talking over with Rep. Gym Jordan (R-OH) exactly whose turn it is to publicly fluff President Donald Trump’s testicles. The confusion arose after Jordan attempted to publicly fluff them before Nunes had made his opening statement this morning. Amplifying the confusion, New York Republican Elise Stefanik, also a stalwart Trump defender in the first day of testimony on Wednesday, asserted it was actually her turn to fluff them. Nunes carefully explained to both Jordan and Stefanik that the “proper order for ball-fluffing a corrupt president on partisan grounds” starts with the ranking member of the committee.
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“You’ve gotta let me get my opening statement in, guys. It’s just how it works,” Nunes insisted.
Jordan protested congenially.
“My esteemed colleague, with all due respect, your opening statement is in and of itself nard gargling,” Jordan announced. “Which would, necessarily, fluff his nards as well. Seems to me like, no disrespect, you’re just wanting to be the first one to fluff his nuts, sir.”
“I agree,” Stefanik said. “We all want a chance to fluff Dear President’s family jewels in public, and it’s only fair you let others have a go. But if you spend five minutes fluffing them in your opening statement, how much ball fluffing does that leave the rest of us to do?”
Jordan jumped on that point.
“Exactly, Congresswoman Stefanik, exactly. My concern is that our good, clean, white president will have ball fluff fatigue by the time we get our chance, and he won’t throw us a treat,” Jordan explained. “We want that treat, Mr. Nunes, so I hope you consider what your
Nunes told both Stefanik and Jordan he was sympathetic to their points. He told them he’d still have to make his opening statement, but he would try to change some of the phrasing, so as not to rob the rest of the Republicans on the committee of the chance to give the president a fluff of his balls.
“We’re just asking for you to leave us a little meat on the bone, you know,” Stefanik said. “There’s already not much there for us to gargle, fluff, and manipulate. So if you do all the fluffing, how much will we have to fluff?”
Rep. Jordan expanded on that point.
“You know, my friend from New York has a point. The president doesn’t have balls that are very big,” Jordan started. “Think about it. He won’t do his MAGA klan rallies in states he lost. He won’t even do them in battleground states, really. Every time he goes up against Pelosi in public she smacks him so hard his dentures nearly fall out of his face. So, if any of us take up too much of what he’s got down there to fluff, we could end up bogarting his presidential pearls, know what I mean?”
Nunes conceded they had a point, but said that he still had to make his opening statement, regardless.
“Look, I gotta do this, okay guys? But here’s what I’ll say,” Nunes tried to assure his colleagues. “I’ll take out some of my public ball fluffing and replace it with more conspiracy theory spewing and witness smearing.”
All parties involved agreed that was the best approach.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.