WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Security Agency has issued guidance to all its operatives, directing that for the entirety of Sub-President Donald Trump’s occupancy of the White House all classified, highly-sensitive intelligence briefings must be written at least a fifth grade level in order to keep Trump from reading them. The hope, NSA officials are telling the media, is that if Trump can’t understand what it is he’s reading, he might be less inclined to “blabber about it to Vladimir Putin,” one NSA source close to Trump told us.
“Quite frankly,” one NSA source told The New Plains Observer, “we don’t think he really comprehends much of what he reads anyway. But after studying SPOTUS for the last couple weeks, we’re confident that writing all our briefs at a fifth grade level should make them damned-near unintelligible.
The new NSA directive comes after word has tricked out of the intelligence community that the CIA and other agencies are willfully withholding information from Trump, going so far as to presume that someone in the decision making process has been compromised by Russia. Last week, CNN reported that they have confirmed aspects of the bombshell dossier — though not the elements that included Russian prostitute Golden Showers parties — that stirred up quite a bit of controversy last month. Trump this morning batted away concerns over that dossier as well as concerns over his rift with the intelligence agencies.
“Look at me,” Trump told reporters as he exited the White House to go on a Dunkin’ Donuts run, “do I look like I even need more intelligence? My whole life, my mom, my dad, my various and multiple business associates, my various and multiple wives, my kids, and that sweet piece of ass Ivanka have always told me how intelligent I am. So, no, I don’t think it’s that big-a-deal that I’m not cozy with the intelligence community right now. They’ll see. You’ll all see.”
White senior policy adviser Stephen Miller then took over for the sub-president and fielded questions from the press.
“The president’s powers are supreme and shall not be challenged,” Miller said, light, orange flames seen licking the edges of his irises. When he spoke, a second voice could be heard underneath his, deeper, slower, more menacing. The ground shook just slightly when he’d talk. “Anyone who does challenge his authority will be met with the punishments the Constitution lays out,” Miller continued, “such as drawing and quartering, being buried alive in pig vomit, and of course, ritualistic sacrifice to Satan or my sweet, sweet Adolf.”
Sources within the NSA say that they’ll continue to encrypt their briefings in this way until either Trump learns to read at a higher level, or he’s no longer in office. They are prepared to keep the sub-president in the dark about many things until they’re sure that national security will not be compromised in a “bragging, 3am tweet from the toilet.”
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