FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — The National Rifle Association has released a statement supporting an unorthodox idea floated by President Donald J. Trump’s. Reportedly, last night, during a town hall on Fox News, in an unaired segment, the president suggested that the Second Amendment to the Constitution “provides a special way” to deal with a potential outbreak of the novel coronavirus in the United States. Trump seemed to hint that doctors and medical professionals should be equipped with firearms and that they should use them to “obliterate, annihilate, and destroy” the coronavirus, wherever they encounter it.
“First of off, I want to insure the American public that I will take bigly care of this coronavirus, okay? You have nothing to fear from that virus while I’m your favorite president,” Trump boasted after someone in the audience asked him how he was going to tackle a potential outbreak of the virus that has already virtually shut down China and Italy. “You know I’ll beat this virus, one way or the other, because unlike previous presidents — especially black and Democrat ones — I’m willing to use any means necessary to bring it down. In fact, I think it’s time we use the Constitution’s power, the Second Amendment cure, to ensure this virus is killed dead in its tracks.”
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Trump said he’d been talking to his two sons, Eric and Donald Trump Jr, the other night and they told him they were planning another hunting trip soon. One thing led to another, the president said, and soon the three were hatching a plan to use the same high-powered rifles his sons would be using on penned-in animals to pretend they were big game hunters to fight the coronavirus. President Trump suggested he had already spoken to Vice President High Priest Mike Pence about working with the CDC to issue assault rifles to all hospitals, doctors, and medical staff throughout the country.
“I told my sons that for once they’d had a good idea. I mean, I love my boys, but they’re dumb as a bag of hammers,” Trump explained, “and I told them I’d get Mike to start issuing guns to doctors. The Second Amendment is there specifically to protect us from all kinds of invasions, after all. Every good, clean, honest, ammo hoarding patriot knows our guns are literally the only things that keep us safe in this country. Now, I’m not a doctor or scientist, but it doesn’t take a genius to know a virus can’t stop a bullet. Guess you all out there are so lucky that this stable genius DOES know that fact though, huh?”
While pundits and other elected officials scratched their heads, raised their eyebrows, and wondered aloud why the president would do such a thing, the NRA quickly came out in favor of Trump’s proposal. Standing in front of a large banner that read, “Only a Good Guy With a Gun Can Stop the Coronavirus,” NRA spokesperson Cash Gachette told reporters that Trump arming doctors was a “genuine stroke of genius” and “the exact kind of bold leadership the founders envisioned” when they wrote the Second Amendment into the Constitution and ratified it.
“First of off, the NRA supports this proposal because it means thousands of guns will be purchased, which means additional revenues for the people we care about most,” Gachette announced. “No, not our members. Our bosses; the gun manufacturers. Anything, and we do mean ANYTHING that could mean even one additional dollar making it into a gun manufacturer CEO’s quarterly bonus check is a proposal we are honor and duty-bound to pursue. Second of off, not a single person standing here today can tell us with a straight face that shooting someone in the head who is infected with coronavirus won’t cure them of the infection. Checkmate, libtards.”
The CDC’s Dr. Benson Hornaydieux appeared on a radio program this morning and blasted the idea.
“Hey, we’re all for curing diseases, and we’re certainly all for finding new, breakthrough treatments for them. However,” Hornaydieux said, “the idea that we’d be shooting people who are infected instead of treating them with medicines is just crazy. It’s the kind of thing you’d expect to read on a low-budget satire site as a premise for a story, isn’t it? But for the record, no, the CDC would prefer we not use high-powered semi-automatic rifles to treat coronavirus patients.”
Gachette called Hornaydieux’s comments “unfortunate and sad.”
“That doctor sounds like, if you’ll excuse me for saying,” Gachette told reporters in a follow-up interview, “a total soyboy beta cuck. If he doesn’t want his guns, I’ll take them. They’ll go nicely with the guns I bought during the Ebola outbreak, which I put right next to the guns I bought shoot at hurricanes, in case the president ever calls my state’s militia to action on that front.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.