NRA Spokesman Reassures Public: San Bernardino Guns Are Safe and Unscathed

SAN BERNARDINO, CALIFORNIA — NRA sub-executive junior spokesman Cash Gachette is telling reporters at the time of publication that while he has no information on the status of any of the victims of the tragic shooting at a Regional Center in Southern California, he did have some “very good and relieving news” nonetheless.

“I am happy to report that all of them — they’re safe,” Gachette said, “the guns in San Bernardino I mean of course.” Gachette said that he had gotten “numerous worried and frantic calls” from NRA members all over the country asking him how the guns in the area were “holding up.” Mr. Gachette said the concern was “understandable because shooting incidents, particularly mass shooting incidents are highly stressful to guns.”

The NRA spokesman told reporters that his organization’s “thoughts and prayers go out to all the guns” in San Bernardino “but particularly” to those involved in the shooting. “May they be at peace knowing that they were used in their only truly intended way,” Gachette said, “and that we know for absolutely certain that nothing at all could have been done to prevent this, or any shooting incident. Especially not with the NRA making sure we give the protect the right of every human being no matter how dangerous to own a weapon capable of murdering any number of people in one incident.”

“Over the next few weeks and days,” Gachette told reporters as his brief press conference was wrapping up, “we’ll set up crowd funding to help make sure the number of guns in San Bernardino goes up, not down, in response to this expression of our Second Amendment rights.” Gachette insisted, “The last thing we want is for people to get the idea that something silly — like common sense reforms that make it harder for people to stockpile firearms and ammunition, as well as universal background checks are enacted. But,” he said as well, “we also want to make sure people don’t get scared about guns and stop buying them either.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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