NRA Spokesman: Armed Fetuses Might Have Prevented Planned Parenthood Shooting

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — NRA sub-executive junior spokesman Cash Gachette told reporters at a press conference early Monday afternoon that the National Rifle Association believes had there been armed fetuses in the Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado Springs, Colorado last week that the entire incident might have been prevented.

“Who is going to attack a fortress where inside you know dozens of armed zygotes are waiting for you,” Gachette asked the press rhetorically. “Indeed, as our esteemed Executive Vice President is so famous for saying, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is with a good blastocyst with a gun. Or something to that effect,” Gachette also said. If there had “only been six or seven moderately to heavily armed fetuses,” Gachette said, “the damage from this heinous act that has nothing to do with how hard we’ve tried as organization to get guns into everyone’s hands, no matter how dangerous they are” would have been much less.

Gachette told reporters that the NRA “recognizes” implying life forms without cognitive abilities should be armed is “out there” but, as he said the NRA feels “it’s far more scary for a zygote to be unarmed and vulnerable than packing serious, serious heat.”

“There has been a dangerous suggestion by the liberal media,” Gachette told reporters, “that we as Americans should be willing to evaluate all our laws, even the Second Amendment, to make sure it’s still in keeping with the society we want to live in.” But, Gachette says, “that idea is terrible” because “guns don’t kill people, they just are pointed at people, a trigger on them is pulled, and then a projectile is fired at lethal velocity toward the target, and then people die.” He insisted that “only a liberal would think that things like background checks and such” would have an impact on gun violence.

Toward the end of the press conference, Gachette reminded reporters that “no one can reasonably predict when a shooting incident will occur, thanks our efforts,” but that “if we take the most logical steps necessary, which include arming the unborn” then society will have done “everything it should be expected to do.”

“True, red-blooded patriots know that guns are the only thing keeping us safe,” Gachette said, “that includes keeping us safe from tyranny, from that black guy walking down your street that you’ve never personally seen before and therefore must be a gang member about to play The Knockout Game with you, or keeping you safe from someone we deliberately made every effort to keep the chances of owning a deadly weapon open as long as possible. So let’s arm the unborn. Let’s arm the undead. Let’s arm the armed. Let’s arm the unarmed. Let’s just put a bunch of fucking guns in the middle of the street and see what happens. Just like Thomas Washington and George Jefferson would have wanted.”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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