NRA Exec: Terror Suspects Have Second Amendment Rights Too!

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — NRA sub-executive junior spokesman Cash Gachette, speaking to reporters at press conference outside the gun lobbyists’ headquarters in Virginia, told the media that in the National Rifle Association’s view, “Everyone has a right to buy a gun in America, including terror suspects.”

Gachette was addressing questions from reporters based on a new report in The Washington Post showing that of the roughly 2300 attempts that someone on the FBI’s terror watch list attempted to buy a firearm between 2004 and 2014, over 2000 of them succeeded. This means roughly 87% of the people that the FBI considers to be dangerous enough to consider as terrorists were able to successfully complete a background check and acquire a gun. “Some may be scared of that number,” Gachette told reporters, “but to the NRA that just means 2000 more humans exercised their God-given right to a tool that can kill other humans.”

“Sure, on the face of it,” Gachette told the press, “it would seem that the years of effort the NRA has put into making background checks as cumbersome and difficult as possible to succeed all in the name of protecting us against government tyranny has left us in a position to be giving guns to the very people we’d all agree probably shouldn’t have guns.” Then, after a pause, Mr. Gachette said, “But you know what we’d say to that? Shall not be infringed! That’s what we’d say to that!”

The focus on whether or not terrorists can find guns in the United States became especially sharp in the wake of the ISIS terror attack in Paris, France. With French gun laws being as tight as they are, it has been widely assumed that the terrorists involved with the Paris attack sought their firearms on the black market. In the United States, however, Gachette says that “we don’t need gun control, we just need more guns.”

“What does it matter, really, if terrorists have guns,” Gachette asked rhetorically before saying, “as long as there are more guns in the hands of good, clean, ammo-hoarding, Christian God-fearing patriots’ hands, what can really, possibly go wrong?” Gachette concluded the press conference with another rhetorical question, “Let me just ask everyone out there one simple question: Isn’t it better to live in a world where maybe, possibly, some murderous psychopaths can have easy access to guns if it means that when you want to buy a gun, you’re never inconvenienced in the slightest?”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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