SINGAPORE — Representatives from President Donald Trump and North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Un announced via a joint statement today that they have agreed upon some very preliminary items head of tomorrow’s historic summit between the two countries.
“We know these talks will be rife with tension and high drama,” the statement from the two men reads, “and as such we want to ensure from the start that both men’s egos are coddled like the fragile, Faberge eggs they are.”
With that desire to make both Un and Trump “feel like each one is a literal God and the most supreme being in all existence,” certain concessions have already been made. The most notable concession is that both the president and his North Korean counterpart have agreed to a hard and fast limit on how much time they can spend sucking their own dicks.
“Both Mr. Un and President Trump have reputations for self-serving, self-aggrandizing delusions of grandeur and we don’t want either man to feel stifled,” the statement reads. “Obviously both men truly enjoy the taste and feel of their own penis in their mouth, as they go so far as to hire only people who help them shove even more of their otherwise useless male members down their gullets.”
Trump and Un apparently both understand they have to let the other one suck his own dick, but there are inherent problems with simply allowing a “free for all self-suck” as the statement puts it.
“Obviously, if we don’t put a cap on the amount of time each man can bluster on and on about his non-existent accomplishments and prowess, we might not ever get down to the business of these two man babies actually talking about a nuclear peace deal,” one source within the White House told us. “Oh wait. Dear Christ. Did I just say my boss is going to go negotiate a nuclear weapons treaty? You’ll have to excuse me, I have to go make sure the bunker I told my wife to start building is complete.”
In order to accommodate both men’s propensity for conversational self-fellatio, they have agreed to the following format:
- Each man will get ten minutes at the beginning of the summit to suck himself off as much as possible, showing off his own technique to the other
- Half an hour of negotiations will ensue
- Lunch
- Three more hours apiece of self-sucking
- Dinner
- Release statement to the press declaring 100% total victory for own side, and embarrassing defeat for the other guy
The summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un will represent the first time leaders from the two countries have met face to face. Previously, former Presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton had visited with Kim Jong Un’s father, Kim Jong-Il, but neither man were still in office at the time.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
