North Korea Sends Draft Peace Deal To Ambassador Dennis Rodman For Input

This morning the leaders of North and South Korea set the world abuzz thanks to their historic peace summit, now underway on the Korean peninsula. After a decades-long war, North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Un and South Korean president Moon Jae-in have both set foot inside each other’s respective countries and this morning they announced that a “lasting peace” is what they are both dedicated to.

While a finalized deal is still a ways off, Un’s agreeing in principal to abandoning North Korea’s nuclear weapons program is quite noteworthy. Many are still cautioning the world to still take any assurances made by Un with a grain of salt, as North Korea has made overtures in the past toward peace, only to have those overtures go silent over time.

As reported by The Guardian, a statement released by South Korea details the broad stroke goals of the peace talks.

“South and North Korea confirmed the common goal of realising, through complete denuclearisation, a nuclear-free Korean peninsula,” it said. “South and North Korea shared the view that the measures being initiated by North Korea are very meaningful and crucial for the denuclearisation of the Korean peninsula, and agreed to carry out their respective roles and responsibilities in this regard.” (The Guardian)

President Donald Trump wasted no time wading into the talks and ensuring that he gets the credit he feels he is due for putting pressure on North Korea. Trump has called his insulting of Un his “maximum pressure campaign.”

“KOREAN WAR TO END! The United States,” Trump tweeted, “and all of its GREAT people, should be very proud of what is now taking place in Korea!”

Trump, however, is not the American whose views on any prospective peace deal Mr. Un is most interested in. Instead, word out of North Korea is that a draft copy of the peace proposal has been sent to Ambassador Dennis Rodman. Un and Rodman have what was described as a “special relationship” and the North Korean dictator puts faith in Rodman’s viewpoints.

“Mr. Rodman and Mr. Un share a similar love for fictionalized and delusional outlooks on the world around them,” one source close to the situation told us. “And as we all know, there is no more intelligent, more prepared or skilled diplomat than Rodman. His sharp mind and keen eye for detail is exactly what Mr. Un wants to have applied to this draft agreement. He’d also like Dennis to teach him how to be more aggressive on the glass and scoop up a couple more rebounds per game.”

Reached for comment, Rodman said he is “truly honored” to be included in the process.

“I’m honored, but not surprised,” Rodman said. “When I started the Dennis Rodman Institute for International Diplomacy and Rebounding I think most people expected that one day I would get the call to weigh-in on such a big, momentous, um, thingy, as this. Know what I’m saying? When people think of Dennis Rodman they think of astute geopolitical positions, partying harder than a motherfucker, and rebounding.”

Retiring Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said that while it’s “certainly unorthodox” for Rodman to be involved in the process, he doesn’t see how it could turn out worse than if he wasn’t involved.

“I mean, our president is a D-list reality TV star who ran businesses so terribly he couldn’t keep a casino solvent,” Ryan said. “So when you live in a world where Donald Trump is the leader of the free world, literally anything is possible. Oh hey, did I just see a pig flying overhead? Do I feel a cold draft coming up from Hell? Are those four horsemen over there regular horsemen or the ‘of the Apocalypse’ kind, I wonder? Anyway, time to go lift, bro!”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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