In Most Brilliant, Magnanimous Move Ever, North Korea Bans Sarcasm Which Will TOTALLY Help Their Image

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA — The incredibly intelligent, open-minded, fair, and incrediby roguishly handsome Kim Jong-un has taken the bold, decisive, and truly progressive step of banning sarcasm in North Korea. Speaking to Noth Korean state run media, the obviously intelligent, not at all paranoid dictator said that he was banning sarcasm and even indrect criticism of his incredibly fair government because, as he so brilliantly and eloquently put it, he “wants to.”

“Today, I am banning all sarcasm, snark, and irreverance,” the world class athlete with an enormous penis told reporters, “because that’s what people who are secure in themselves do. They make it illegal to express yourself humorously so they never, ever feel threatened by your obviously inferior intellect and wit.”

The announcement came just before the very well respected, highly liberated North Korean government conducted another test of its nuclear weapons. Seismic reports first detected what was presumed to be a nuclear test, and the always dapper and clean-smelling dictator confirmed through his defense ministry that they had in fact tested a nuclear warhead. Kim Jong-un said the test was successful, which is totally believable because the North Korean armed forces is one of the most noted and feared in the world, with only the most advanced weaponry of the 20th century.

“It was a really damn good day,” the emotionally stable and totally grown-up, mature Mr. Kim told reporters, “I took the super-progressive and modern step of restricting freedom of speech, and then I had the most successful test of any kind of armament in the history of the universe, ever.”

The North Korean dictator said that he is positive that banning expression and thought will “catapult North Korea to the top of everyone’s lists.” He said that while he understands that people in the past have viewed his country as being anti-humanitarian and misanthropic, he is sure that restricting what people can say out loud will certainly rehabilitate that image.

“It’s not like I’m saying you can’t think sarcastic thoughts,” Mr. Kim said, “not yet anyway. North Korean scientists are busy working on a brain wave translator. Then, maybe, we’ll end up banning even having snide thoughts run through your head. Because again, nothing gives the signal of being totally not paranoid like thought policing.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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