North Carolina Cisgender Woman ‘Tired of Shitting With an Audience’

GREEN LAKE, NORTH CAROLINA — When North Carolina’s conservative Republican governor signed HB2 into law, Helen Anne McGee, a 32-year-old cisgender woman knew that “things were going to suck” in her state, but she says that over the last couple of weeks she has grown to realize just how much life has changed and she is “sick to death of it.”

“You know what I am,” Helen asked our interviewer rhetorically, “I’m tired of shitting in public with an audience. It’s one thing for these religious conservatives to want to keep taxes lower so that people can give more to churches who can then help out with charity work, but it’s another thing entirely for them to write laws that make it so that every time I go into a bathroom to take a stinky dump, someone looks at me askew.”

Ms. McGee said that she is very much in favor of transgender people having access to the bathroom they are comfortable in because that way “the ones who will be looked at like freaks will be the ones who won’t stop trying to get a peek” into her bathroom stall. “My crotch is my business, your crotch is yours,” McGee said, “and unless and until someone actually assaults you, it doesn’t matter what the hell you’re packing.”

“All I want to do is what everyone wants to do in a public bathroom,” McGee told us, “to shit and get out of there having touched as very little of the surfaces as possible.” She said that in her mind, “If you have time to think that much about what someone else in the stall next to you has between their legs, you need to find a job, a hobby, and a life.”

Ultimately, McGee said that even though she considered herself “very pro-LGBT,” HB2’s passing into law has only deepened that view, and has given her even more perspective that validates her beliefs.

“If I can feel this kind of intense scrutiny and it makes me uncomfortable,” McGee said, “I can only imagine what transgender people must worry about, every time they feel a nice, hot, Cleveland Steamer in the works.”

McGee is also someone who considers herself a Christian, and she said that she consulted the Bible for guidance on this issue. What she found, wasn’t a whole lot of anything.

“I couldn’t find anything in all the Bible that even remotely addressed transgender issues,” McGee said, “but there was this entire, huge testament devoted to a dude who went around telling people not to be judgmental dicks. So I’ll just keep to that part, and leave the fretting over genitalia to the other Christians who don’t really act very Christian at all.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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