NC Lawmaker Says Anti-Gay & Abortion Laws Create True ‘Freedom and Liberty’

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA — State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) says that his fellow Republicans in the state of North Carolina are “acting on an agenda that is clearly not only sanctioned by God himself, but by the spirit of the Founding Fathers themselves.”

Thompaulsen, speaking at a press conference held by the state’s Republican committee, said that “nothing is more in-line with the spirit of America than telling two adults they can’t marry each other, or telling a woman she has to wait three days to do something she wants to do with her own genitalia.” Rep. Thompaulsen was referring to a pair of North Carolina laws that made national headlines last year. One would force any woman seeking an abortion in the state to wait 72 hours before the procedure is performed, and another that would allow state government employees to “opt-out” of certifying a same-sex marriage certificate.

“Separation of church and state is a wonderful thing,” Thompaulsen told our reporter, “as long as it’s keeping non-Christians out of our government  and country of course.”

But, says Thompaulsen, “this law in North Carolina simply gives state clerks the right to assert their religious beliefs in the context of being a state-sanctioned authority figure and the end result just happens to be two adults not getting to share in the same basic freedoms the rest of us do.” The 45-year-old Republican insists “this is freedom in its purest form — the freedom to use your belief in an invisible sky man to harm real, live, flesh and blood people.”

Barry Hampton, a former North Carolina State Senator and a fellow Republican, says that Thompaulsen is “dead right” about “the true meaning of liberty.” Hampton told The Political Garbage Chute that “if we don’t live in a country where people can’t use their personal religious beliefs to bludgeon someone and make them feel less human, less equal, and just less in general, we don’t live in America anymore!” Mr. Hampton insists that he “ain’t no bigot” he just wants “to use my belief in a God who sent his only son to Earth to die for all our sins, thereby making us all equal in His eyes, to make people I don’t like suffer, and feel less equal in His eyes.”

The state’s governor, Republican Pat McCrory has already vetoed the law that would allow clerks to not certify gay marriages, insisting that no state employee has a right to shirk the duties of their job. However, it’s becoming apparent that his fellow Republicans in the state legislature are going to override his veto. While the anti-gay law might be causing a rift in the state’s GOP power structure, the second law causing national headlines seems to have united the party — a law requiring women seeking an abortion to wait 72 hours before having the abortion performed.

“The great people of North Carolina will stop at nothing to protect the rights of the unborn blastocyst,” Thompaulsen said, “and that of course includes making victims of rape or incest wait three days before getting an abortion. After all, is it really so bad to give a woman who has been absolutely horrendously violated in the most personal and damaging way a good amount of time to really ponder whether or not she’d like to bring the offspring of the person who forcefully rammed his dick into her into the world or not?”

Reporters at Thompaulsen’s presser asked whether he thought it was odd that an abortion would need a three day waiting period in North Carolina, but there is no waiting period for purchasing a firearm in the state. “Well, there isn’t any mention of a woman’s right to murder her unborn, undeveloped zygote in the Constitution, but there is a Second Amendment that promises me, you, and every other true American patriot the right to own every and any piece of weaponry we can either tuck into our waistband, sling over our shoulders, or mount to our rooftops to shoot down enemy planes.” Thompaulsen also pointed out that North Carolina does require a license to buy a handgun, and that state Republicans are considering a similar measure for a woman’s vagina, requiring her to get a license for her reproductive organs.

“At the end of the day, we Republicans are just standing up for the unborn Americans we won’t lift a single, solitary finger to protect once they are born,” Thompaulsen told reporters. “That’s the way the founders would have wanted it. That’s the way God almighty in American Heaven wants it. That’s the way it shall be…because we Republicans said so…and we will definitely throw some epic tantrums if you try to stop us.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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