PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA — This week, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem signed an executive order banning biological males from playing in sports leagues designed for biological females and vice versa. The issue of transgender athletics has been a hot one on the right for months, an outcropping of their attempts to legislate transgender bathroom access a few years back.
In a tweet, Noem said that “only girls should play girls’ sports.”
Only girls should play girls’ sports. Given the legislature’s failure to accept my proposed revisions to HB 1217, I am immediately signing two executive orders to address this issue: one to protect fairness in K-12 athletics, and another to do so in college athletics. (1/3)
— Governor Kristi Noem (@govkristinoem) March 29, 2021
While Noem’s order is being lauded by conservatives, others have criticized it. Governor Noem has been accused of being transphobic, and her order has been said to punish children who just want to play sports. In a new interview on Fox News this morning, Noem pushed back on accusations that she’s a bigot, and told the network’s hosts that she “treats everyone equally.”
MORE: Democrat Joe Manchin Opposes Democrat Agenda
“As in, I am equally apathetic to the quality and condition of their lives,” Noem said. “I’m extremely consistent in my pro-life views and values. I am pro-life throughout pregnancy, and then as soon as the child is born, literally fuck them and let them die. Like, from, say, Covid-19.”
South Dakota’s struggles with the covid-19 pandemic have been well-recorded. Though Governor Noem attempts to cast her performance in handling the pandemic in a positive light, the numbers do indicate that the virus ravaged her state, and it ranks among the worst in the entire world, not just the country, in terms of rates of infection, hospitalizations, and deaths.
“If I let everyone die from covid because I don’t actually care about their lives,” Noem asked rhetorically, “does that not make me the good guy here? I mean, I’m an entitled, disaffected asshole to everyone; not just one group of humans in particular.”
Noem used he faith to defend to her actions as well.
“Look, you can call me a bigot if you want. I just disagree with that characterization,” Noemi defended herself. “I’m clearly just a depraved asshole with no regard for the human condition.”
Noem further defended her orders from accusations of intolerance by divulging that they “could’ve been a lot more strict.”
“At one point I was going to insist that I get to stuff my hands down the pants of every high school athlete to see if they have a ding-donger or a hoo-hoo-dilly,” Noem explained. “But I took that part out. Instead of showering me with praise for that decision, the lamestream media is focusing on what I actually did instead, just because it has a harmful impact on the mental health of children.”
Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.
Ted Cruz: “We Can’t Do Something About Gun Violence Until We’re Done Doing Nothing”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.