News Alarm: Mitch McConnell To Create New ‘Titty Committe’ With Female Chair

WASHINGTON — Vowing to do something about their perceived lack of diversity both within the leadership structure of the Senate and their party in general, Senate Republicans have decided to create a new Senate subcommittee and appoint a female to it.

Currently, there is only one female serving as a chair of a Senate committee on any subject. Senator Susan Collins (R-ME), heads up the Special Committee on aging. While to some, it might seem incredibly tone-deaf and strangely misogynistic to make the only post a woman heads up in the Senate one that oversees a committee on getting older, Republican Senators and their staffers defend it. “Senator Collins is a wonderful woman who’s clearly still got that va-va-va-voom that we wish all older women would have, so we feel she’s the best choice for the post, “said Sen. Orin Hatch (R-UT).

COMMITTEE_AGING
Senate Republicans already proved their belief in diversity by making Susan Collins the chair of the Special Committee on Aging.

Apparently though, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell wants to make an even bigger splash, citing a desire to prove to the country once and for all that his party truly does believe in the idea of diversity. “Our opponents and the main stream, liberally-biased, anti-American, anti-tradition, socialist media will claim that we are about as diverse as homogenized milk proteins. But believe-you-me, this new Senate subcommittee will prove once and for all that Republicans are the party that believes in diversity,” said McConnell at a recent press conference in front of a local Washington reptile aquarium. He went on, “I came here today to give the good news of my amazing idea to some of my closest friends and relatives. They all think it’s fantastic.”

Senator McConnell then unveiled his plans for the Senate Titty Subcommittee. “The Senate’s Titty Subcommittee will be dedicated to studying titties in all their forms. Big titties, little titties, in-between titties. We want to know what these titties are, what makes them tick, and what impact Federal spending will have on their quality and condition as they go through their lives,” intoned McConnell to the six or seven conservative media outlets covering the press conference.

“Look,” Sen. McConnell said when answering one reporter’s questions about whether or not this move would help or hurt the GOP’s image with women, “this hallowed institution once barred women from being in the pool because men wanted to swim naked. We plan to bring that rule back, by the way, but it’ll go through this committee first. Anything involving titties will go through the Titty Committee. You think titties, we want you to think of the Titty Committee. Titty. Committee.

What was your question again?”

Not surprisingly, the Majority Leader also has a short-list of Senators he’d like to see head up the committee. The list includes Republican Senators Tom Cotton (AR), Johnny Isakson (GA), and Pat Roberts (KS). Reportedly, Democrat Gary Peters (MI) is also being considered. When asked why a committee devoted only to breasts and breast-related topics wouldn’t have any female candidates to run it, McConnell grinned and said, “Diversity, of course. What could be more diverse from a titty than a hang-down stick,” the Majority Leader asked, invoking an Old Kentuckian nickname for male genitalia. When asked why there was a Democrat in the running and not a female, McConnell said it was because, “I mean, c’mon, Gary’s a Democrat, but he’s not a woman. We can’t trust his party to run the country, but we can trust him not to eat all the bonbons while we’re at work.”