New Restaurant Caters To Anti-Vaxxers With A Taste For Tide Pods

Published on

This story was first published on The Pastiche Post.

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — At Maison Des Gens Stupides, Chef Roy Ardi says his culinary inspiration is the “refined and the stupid.”

“We want the refined and the stupid to enjoy a fine dining experience that is truly transformative,” Ardi told us. “So we tailor our menu to people who look and sound normal, until you ask them a seemingly easy question like, ‘Hey, do you try to keep your kids from contracting debilitating, life-threatening, species-endangering illnesses?’ And they’re all like, ‘Oh, no! Why would we put CHEMICALS in our kids?”

Ardi’s California restaurant whose clientele are anti-vaxxers — people who do not believe in vaccinating themselves or their children — announced over the weekend that they will be rolling out several new menu items they hope will take advantage of a new food craze sweeping the Internet — laundry and dish detergent gelpacks.




“I won’t be eating the things, and I damn sure won’t be tasting my menu items as I create them like usual,” Ardi said, “but a trend is a trend. So who am I stand in the way of culinary experimentation?”

Ardi says living in the Bay Area, he’s encountered lots of highly-educated, progressive people who also don’t believe in vaccinations. Ardi says that while he vaccinated his own children, he still wanted to give people who didn’t a place to have a great meal. Ardi sources only locally-grown produce and tries to keep the distance that the animal proteins he uses in his meals have to travel to his restaurant under 25 miles.

“Catering to anti-vaxxers isn’t any different than average people. I just have to put after every item’s description that there aren’t any extra chemicals in the food, even though food itself is a chemical, but whatever, nothing matters anyway, right,” Ardi asked us rhetorically.

Chef Ardi says that it was a “gut feeling” that made him want to try gelpacks on his menu. He isn’t sure that his clientele will take to it, but he has a “strong suspicion they will.”

“Something tells me if you don’t vaccinate yourself or your kids, you might want be inclined to dine on a gelpack or two,” Ardis said.

Gelpack Primavera and a gelpack confit — a gelpack roasted in its own plastic shell — are among two of the dishes Ardi is most anxious to have customers try.

“We have so many body bags on order,” Ardi told us, “that I hope I didn’t just make a huge waste of time and money on this venture. Still, I think the panko crusted gelpack will be big hit, regardless.”

We asked Ardi if he’s worried about essentially turning his restaurant into a mass murder factory, should enough people order the new gelpack menu items. Ardi thought about the question for a bit, then responded.

“I mean, if they get their way, billions of people are put at risk death too, so I don’t know. I guess we’ll see how well the new menu does,” Ardi explained.




James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals



Latest articles

Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can't...

I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

"...imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring...

What If Trump Uses Ivanka’s OnlyFans to Payoff His Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fines?

"...it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans...

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they'll tell you without batting a single eyelash...