JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — As most of the world is celebrating the truly historic, landmark nuclear deal between Iran and six of the most powerful countries in the Western world, there is one man who is decidedly not happy. In fact, Israeli Prime Minister is so “disturbed, troubled, and saddened” by the nuclear deal that was brokered by the U.S. and Germany and four other nations that he has decided to put his “fingers in [his] ears and go ‘La! La! La!’ to this egregious affront” to his “continued political success based on fear mongering and outright racism and Islamaphobia.”
Initially, in a more composed statement, Netanyahu tempered his reaction to the deal a bit, calling it an “historical mistake.” Before the details of the deal were even made public, the Prime Minister had taken to Twitter to denounce it. It was a few hours later, when reporters caught up with Netanyahu, that the news had clearly sunk-in more, and a more rankled Bibi let the vitriol fly.
Netanyahu told members of the media that found him dining out at his favorite local Italian restaurant in the heart of Jerusalem the day the nuclear deal was announced that he was “extremely angry that the country we had guilt-tripped into going along with our war drum beating against Iran for so long has decided to get into the business of peaceful, ambassadorial routes to peace and stability instead of the bang, bang, pew-pew that we had grown so accustomed to.” The Israeli Prime Minister told the press he was “considering taking all [his] toys and going home” but that he “isn’t too sure which toys are actually [his] and which were bought and paid for the U.S. government in its full-born and willful ignorance of the atrocities I have perpetrated on the Palestinian people in this region, in the name of ‘protecting Democracy.'”
“For years, I have been able to dangle the threat of Iran’s nuclear program over the world’s heads,” Netanyahu said at one point. “For years I was able to intimate that them getting their hands on a technology that we have — er I mean can neither confirm or deny we have — poses more of an existential threat than the dozens and dozens of nuclear weapons amassed in other countries. I have built an incredibly successful political career turning the Iranian people into Boogeymen that I can then use to scare older, conservative Jews here in Israel to vote for me. But this peace deal very clearly is a serious threat to my continued political success!”
Netanyahu says that the U.S. and the other nations have been duped into believing Iran will follow-through with this deal, despite admitting he has “zero evidence” they won’t and the fact that the deal has provisions in place that would put the harsh economic sanctions that started Iran down this path toward negotiations in the first place back into being should Iran falter. “Perhaps President Obama and his fellow dupes don’t realize how much a threat this new agreement is,” Netanyahu told reporters. When pressed by the media to expound on just what kind of threat a deal that limits a country’s ability to produce nuclear weapons that could wipe out all of humanity poses, Netanyahu said it’s “an existential threat…to my political career,” adding, “it’s a serious threat to my warmongering rhetoric.”
“I will hold the Obama administration and Secretary of State John Kerry personally responsible for the horrible outcomes this deal will bring,” Netanyahu said. He concluded, “And by outcomes I mean the lessening impact of my thinly-veiled nationalistic hate rage boner against the Iranian people, of course. If this deal ends up making me look like the cowardly, genocidal prick I am for killing thousands of Palestinians last summer while the rest of the world was making peace deals with my so-called enemies, I will be so mad…I…I…
I will have to think really long and hard about cashing the next check that the U.S. government sends me.”