Neil Gorsuch Will Honor His Hero By Plagiarizing His First Supreme Court Opinion From Justice Scalia

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the moments after finding out that Senate Republicans had broken with over two hundred years of tradition and more than ten years of Senate bylaws to help ram his nomination to the Supreme Court through, Judge Neil Gorsuch took some questions from reporters who gathered outside his D.C.-area hotel. Gorsuch told reporters he was “thrilled and delighted” that he’d be fulfilling a lifelong dream and entering the highest court in the country.

“And nothing makes me feel like a real winner,” Gorsuch said, “like my team literally having to change the rules to let me win after losing under the normal ones. Big kudos to Mitchy — er I mean Senator McConnell with whom I have only a passing, barely political affiliation with — for having the guts to play petty party politics with a position that is supposed to be apolitical.”

Judge Gorsuch said he knows how lucky he is, and how rare this occasion is.

“It’s not every day you’re nominated to be on the Supreme Court bench by someone under FBI investigation,” Gorsuch said, “and I’m just so glad to have that high honor. It could only be more of an honor if President Bannon or even Over-President Putin had nominated me, eh comrades?”

When asked, Mr. Gorsuch said he plans to pay special tribute to Justice Antonin Scalia, whose death vacated the seat Gorsuch will soon occupy.

“I’m going to plagiarize my very first opinion from Justice Scalia,” Gorsuch said, wiping tears from his eyes, “because I can’t think of a more fitting tribute to the man. I’m going to be pretty much the 21st Century Scalia anyway — you know he’d have gleefully ruled against that freezing truck driver and those disabled kids too — so I figured the best way to honor him was to copy him, literally.”

Gorsuch says he hopes he gets to hear a case related to a topic that Scalia already weighed in on, but that he could “adapt” his plagiarism to any subject.

“Sure, it’d be great if was a gun rights case,” Gorsuch said, “or an abortion case. I mean, I have always wanted to illogically compare contraceptives to abortiafacents. But I’m not going to set the agenda here. I’m perfectly willing to take one of Justice Scalia’s opinions and, line by line, change the references to fit the case before me. That’s how committed I am to the job. You’re welcome, America.”

Before going back in, reporters asked Gorsuch if he had any other thoughts he’d like to share with the American public, before the vote to officially confirm him was held. Gorsuch nodded. He said he had some “very original, never before heard things” to say about being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

“I think my whole life I’ve lived by one simple thought,” Gorsuch said, “ask not what your country can do for you, ask whose cherry tree you can chop down after four score and seven years a slave have past. Also, I wrote “War and Peace’ and half the episodes of ‘Weeds’ for Showtime.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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