Why Didn’t His Natural Immunity to Crashes Keep Him Being Thrown From His Car?

LAKE FARTFACE, MICHIGAN — Friends and family gathered this week to bury Larry Lombowski, a local man who was ejected from his car when it crashed into a tree last Monday. Lombowski, a devout, pro-MAGA American, had become known around his sleepy Michigan town for posting hand-typed, anti-vaccine and anti-mask screeds on telephone poles and church bulletin boards.

For many weeks and months, Lombowski refused to get vaccinated or mask-up, telling people that he had “natural immunity” to COVID-19 after he already contracted it last year.

“He told me that he got it after a wild one night stand,” one friend of Larry’s told us shortly after his funeral. “How he didn’t know his own cousin had COVID, I don’t know, but here we are.”

Lombowksi was not wearing a seat belt at the time of his crash. Another friend of Larry’s told us that he was conscious for a short time before he passed away. He was asked by paramedics if he had been wearing a seat belt. Larry apparently laughed, blood spattering all over his “Hillary is a Cunt” t-shirt, and said what would end up being his final words on Earth.

“Of course I didn’t put on a seat belt! I believe in vehicular freedom!”

In lieu of flowers, Larry’s family has asked for gift cards to Bass Pro Shop and Chick-Fil-A.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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