Nation Tries to Muster All Its “Give a Fuck” About Dead Oregon Militia Squatter

The militia that was forcefully occupying a government building in Burns, Oregon has seen its leader arrested, and in a confrontation with the FBI and law enforcement, one of its most outspoken members was shot and killed. Though the standoff and occupation may not be officially over yet, many feel these developments signal the beginning of the end of this particular chapter in American History. We wanted to see how the nation was reacting the news that one of the occupiers had been shot, so we called four people at random on their cell phones and asked them for their reaction to the news.

Then we asked them to rate their Fucks Given about the story, using the Standard American Fucks Given Metric, or SAFGM instituted by President Grover Cleveland during his administration.

What follows is a selection of their responses.

woman1Susan Maio, 35, Cedar Falls, Iowa

Reaction: “They were armed occupiers of federal land, and had broken as well as were breaking numerous laws. He didn’t comply. Oh well.”

Fucks Given: “More than three, but definitely less than 5.”



man50sBill Sanderson, 52, Gladstone, Mississippi

Reaction: “What the shit did they expect? It hasn’t been 1776 for a long time, and George Washington rode into battle on his own horse, as president, to break up an insurrection like this. it’s never great when someone dies, but this is just the result everyone saw coming.”

Fucks Given: “Probably about eight fucks. I never like to see a suspect killed instead of captured, but sometimes they give you no choice.”


DudeGuyMcGeeSkip Williams, 26, Pine View, California

Reaction: “Who? Oh the guy who had guns and said he would not be taken alive got killed? Shocker.”

Fucks Given: “None. Not a single, solitary fuck.”



James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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