NASA Releases Amazing First Ever Pictures of a Black Hole

WASHINGTON, D.C. — NASA sent several hundred media outlets the first ever pictures of a black hole.

“We’ve exposed a part of our universe we’ve never seen before,” said Shep Doeleman, an astronomer at Harvard University who directed the effort to capture the image, during a Wednesday news conference. (The Failing New York Times)

Our outlet was lucky enough to receive an email from NASA, promising pictures of the black hole, as well.

The email came in around the same time as everyone else’s, however it come from a [email protected], not the official NASA press release account. Normally this would raise several red flags with us, however, given that Billy sent us the email from an official NASA account, we figured that the brass at NASA — Brass-A as they’re called within the government itself — knew that there’d be too much work to be done for a single person to email all the media outlets with pictures of the black hole.

So, we opened Billy’s email. It was given the subject title, “You Won’t Believe These Black Hole Pictures We Got!” Obviously, everyone here at Alternative Science was beyond ecstatic. When we opened the email, we saw there was an attachment called “TheBlackHole.jpg.” This was going to be awesome, we all thought.

And then, we opened the file attachment, and found this:

On the image was a message from Billy:

“Here’s a picture of your mom, who we all call “The Black Hole,” because she’s got infinite mass! BOO-YA!”

Obviously, we thought this was a mistake, and so we reached out and contacted Billy. He told us that there had been no mistake, and that the picture he’d sent us was, in fact, both our mom and the black hole. He reiterated that our mom has infinite mass, and cackled hysterically until we hung up.

We have to admit, when NASA announced it had gotten the impossible — pictures of a black hole — we were not anticipating this result. However, it is also very comforting to know that when our mom crushed our dream and sucked the will to live out of us, that she was only doing so because that’s what black holes do; they kill all that is bright and warm around them.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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