WASHINGTON, D.C. — Scientists at NASA have yet to locate the edge of Donald Trump’s stupidity, even after studying over a year of campaign rallies and convention speeches, and six months of being president.
“We have been watching Mr. Trump since he rode that elevator downstairs in his apartment building and announced his candidacy,” Dr. Shirley Saunders told reporters this morning, “and each new time he says something that can only be scientifically classified as ‘completely and utterly stupid’, we get all excited thinking we’ve finally found the outermost edge of inanity upon which he will skate. But we’re wrong every single time.”
NASA had a special, new telescope designed and built in South Dakota. The purpose of the telescope was to peer as far out into the cosmos as possible, hoping to somehow find the edge of Trump’s stupidity.
“We really did think that this idea of banning Muslims from a country that promises freedom of religious expression was the outermost edge of stupidity he was capable of producing,” Dr. Saunders said, “but then he went and signed not one, but two Muslim bans. It seems incredible, literally incredible to say this, but there might not be a limit to Trump’s idiocy, not that any of our tools can detect.”
Even the powerful Hubble telescope couldn’t find the edge of Trump’s stupidity, Saunders said. When NASA recently accomplished its mission of getting Juno, an observational satellite to orbit Jupiter, they were hoping it could also provide even a glimpse at the envelope of Trump’s inanity.
“We had a theory that maybe Trump was an alien from Jupiter. After all, as the saying goes, and every young girl or boy who wants to become a NASA scientist can repeat this at the drop of a hat,” Saunders said, “people go to Jupiter to get more stupider.”
Juno has thus far been unable to locate the outer edge of Trump’s stupidity. Dr. Saunders says that NASA is dedicated to its mission and “will not give up” until they find out exactly where the border between rational thought and things that come out of Trump’s mouth are.
“The alleged billionaire said so many unabashedly stupid things during the campaign,” Saunders said, “that we almost have too much data to go through, if you can believe a scientist moaning about too much data! But it’s true. Lately we have been bandying about the idea that Trump is sort of like the sun in a stupid solar system. We’re not entirely sure how the sun got there, but we know it burns really brightly, intensely, and most importantly, completely stupidly, and it provides the stupid energy for even more stupid life forms in that stupid solar system.”
“We’ll probably never find the edge of Trump’s stupidity,” Saunders said, “but many people thought we’d never get to the moon, and we got there eventually didn’t we?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.