MyPillow Guy: Sasquatch Will Swear Trump Back Into Office by the End of August

By the end of August, MyPillow CEO and 2002 Crack Weekly’s “Crackhead of the Year” Mike Lindell says that Donald Trump will be president again. This morning, Lindell went so far as to say that he knows “exactly who” will perform the job of swearing the one-term, twice-permanently impeached president back into office, despite the Constitution providing no legal means to do so.

During an interview on OAN this morning, Lindell let the cat out of the bag early.

Mexico Offers to Pay to Upgrade Texas’ Electrical Grid

“MAGA patriots need to mark their calendars. August 43rd, our great forever president will be installed back onto his rightful place on the throne,” Lindell told Jack Posobiec, who was holding a ‘Rape Melania Again’ sign for stated reason. “And do you know what, Jack? He’ll be given the Oats of Office by none other than Sas-fucking-squatch! You heard me, folks, Sasquatch will have the honor of swearing Emperor God King President Trump back into office!”

Lindell snuck a hit from his crack pipe before continuing.

“The best part is that’s just the beginning! President Trump is going to ride the Loch Ness Monster through the sea of swirly, twirly gumdrops, and then get on a private space shuttle to the moon,” Lindell divulged, “and that’s where the ceremony will take place! Can you believe it! It’s where Tupac and JFK Jr have been hiding out this whole time, and they both agreed this is the perfect occasion to reveal there true whereabouts!”

Again, Lindell snuck a quick toke from his crack pipe.

“Jack, I gotta tell you, I am so fired up about this, I may end up fucking even more MyPillows today than I usually fuck, in any given day,” Lindell continued. “It’s not a MyPillow unless it has Mike Lindell’s signature ball funk on it, after all. And knowing that in just a few short weeks our Dear President is gonna ride Nessie, get on a space shuttle, and take it to JFK Jr’s and Tupac’s moon base to be sworn in by Sasquatch? Well, I just came in my pants for the fourth time today thinking about it, Jack!”

Trump Asks Biden How Putin Was Looking These Days and If He’s Seeing Anyone Else

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This