Muslim State Senator Wants All Christian Churches Monitored 24/7

FLUSHING GLEN, NEW YORK — State Senator Ahmed Karam (D-NY) has announced that he will take a bill to the floor of the New York State Senate proposing that all Christian churches be put under “constant and persistent scrutiny and monitoring.” Karam said his bill is a direct response to Rep. Peter King, a Republican congressman representing New York in D.C., who told Fox News once that he thinks all Muslim mosques in America should be put under surveillance as part of America’s “War on Terror.”

The legislation that Karam says he plans to introduce would set up a special state fund set aside for the purpose of hiring additional law enforcement officers specifically to enter Christian churches and listen to their sermons.

“As the Planned Parenthood shooter in Colorado Springs proved,” Mr. Karam said, “right-wing, anti-abortion rhetoric can be misunderstood by mentally-ill or simply violent people and the results can be tragic. So if we’re going to chuck out the Constitution and due process because a small number of Muslims might be radicalized, why are we not doing the same for Christian churches, or pretty much any religion for that matter? Oh yeah, I forgot, the fucking separation of church and state, that’s why. My bad.”

“If Congressman King is going to be so bold as to circumvent the First Amendment’s protections of church and state being separate,” Karam told reporters at a recent press conference announcing his new bill, “then I’m going to do the same. I’m not normally a ‘turnabouts is fair play’ guy, but when in Islamaphobic Rome.” Karam has written his legislation in such a way that it will only take effect if the United States Congress passes laws allowing Muslim churches to be monitored, and would expire as soon as such legislation is struck from the federal books, he said. “I’m not looking to be a dick here,” State Sen. Karam said, “but I am looking to make an example of out King. This is what happens when you start thinking you can trash your principles because it suits you at the time.”

The First Amendment should protect mosques from surveillance, Karam said, “Because fucking doy it should.” He said that “unless and until geniuses like Rep. King can show us where a majority or even a plurality of American Muslims support radical Islamic terrorism” the Republican congressman should “sit down, sit back, and shut up.”

“Honestly, I’m all for things going back to how they were,” State Sen. Karam said as the press conference was ending, “where everyone just ignores everyone else’s religion on Sunday morning and then gets together afterwards to watch big, sweaty, steroid inflated men smash into and give each other brain damage. But that can never happen until we all agree that every religion has its morons, every religion has its sycophants, and every religion can push a person to do violent harm to someone else if the language and rhetoric used isn’t kept civil. It’ll never happen as long as jerks like Pete King think the Constitution just shouldn’t apply to Muslims.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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