Musk Will Start Charging Twitter Users $500 to Block Him

On Super Bowl Sunday, alt-right billionaire plutocrat Elon Musk was extremely alarmed when his tweet about the big game didn’t get nearly the same engagement as a tweet from President Joe Biden on the same subject. The concern felt by the second-richest man in the world felt about not getting more attention than the most powerful man in the free world on a website he paid more than $40 billion to turn into a Nazi chat room drove Musk’s cousin to call for an emergency meeting of Twitter’s engineers.

Reportedly, after the coders were told about their techno-overlord’s displeasure, a secret system was devised to pump Elon Musk’s tweets into users’ feeds, even if they didn’t follow him. The result, according to hundreds of users, is that they were inundated with information and tweets they did not and would not want to see. Replies to Musk filled the spaces where Musk’s own tweets weren’t found, leaving many to wonder if they should block the Twitter CEO in order to keep his trolling of trans people and chest thumping about his tweet engagement out of their own personal feeds.

However, reports from inside Twitter are that Musk was already thinking about this scenario specifically, and beginning next week, users will need to pay a monthly subscription fee to block Musk’s account.

“For starters, let me just say that this is not because I made an absolutely titanic mistake and blew dozens of billions of dollars on this shitty-ass website,” Musk told the public in a video posted to his Twitter account that every user must watch and acknowledge on their next login, “it’s, umm, you know, OTHER reasons. But the upshot is that starting next week, if you want to block Tweet Daddy, you gotta pay Tweet Daddy $500. A month.”

Musk then laughed uproariously at calling himself “Tweet Daddy” and high-fived Christofascist alleged humorist Chris Dillon, of The Babylon Bee, who was busy giving Musk a Cincinnati Blumpkin.

“Just fork over $500, libtards, and you can block my tweets. Or you can subscribe to our new Twitter Blue Balls service which gives you the same experience you had on Twitter before I took over,” Musk said, “for $10 billion annually. All I’d need is four suckers, I mean, you know, savvy customers, to take me up on that and I’d make most of my money back on this God awful platform.”

The World’s Only Real Journalist, Glenn Greenwald, took his own dick out of his mouth long enough to praise Musk’s decision as “groundbreaking and breathtaking.”

“I love it. All left-liberal shitlibs in the mainstream media should take him up on this, but you know they’re too stupid to do it,” Greenwald tweeted. “Then again, when will I stop assuming that someone out there is as smart as I am?”

@jamboschlarmbo Is there anything #ElonMusk hasn’t figured out yet? #Twitter #satire #funny #FYP ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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