Musk Wants to Charge $500 to Delete Twitter from Your Phone

In a sign that things might not be going so well at Twitter after he purchased it, billionaire hair plug patient Elon Musk has reportedly made another decision aimed at shoring up the tech company’s revenues. Speaking to investors on a conference call, Musk announced that he had decided that within a few weeks, Twitter will not allow itself to be deleted from smart phones until users pay $500 to Musk, personally.

“It cost me a lot of money to turn this microblog into an alt-right Nazi chat room. Like, even more money then I spend every month maintaining the notion that I’m not bald,” Musk told investors, “and what’s worse? Apparently big dollar advertisers don’t feel comfortable having their ads run next to tweets from a guy called ‘Catturd’ who basically just says what their drunk, Fox News watching uncle says at the Thanksgiving table about trans people.”

RELATED: Thanks to Elon Musk, I’m Twitter’s New Official Barack Obama

In recent weeks, Musk has indicated that Twitter is now worth about half of the $45 billion he paid for it just months ago. It’s unclear whether Musk is capable, medically speaking, of self-awareness. However, that doesn’t seem likely, because he’s yet to figure out much of the loss of Twitter’s value has come as a direct result of his decisions.

“In addition to charging users $500 to remove Twitter from their phones, we’re also going to start charging a million dollars a year to people who don’t like at least sixty percent of my tweets,” Musk said. “I really should’ve thought about how much money I was already spending on making it look like I had all my natural hair still! Paying for Twitter and my hair plugs is really stretching my budget pretty thin!”

RELATED: Musk: “We’ll Let You Say What You Want on Twitter as Long As It’s Not About Me or My Companies”


That’s one way to make a few million bucks back, Elon. ElonMusk Satire Twitter

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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