Mulvaney Explains That Trump Budget Uses ‘Alternative Math’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump Administration’s budget director is trying to assuage critics of his boss’s deficit-exploding budget by explaining the math used to draft it was “alternative” in nature.

“This is all very simple to understand,” Mick Mulvaney, the aforementioned budget director, said to reporters this morning after his testimony before Congress, “but first I need you all to take this LSD and then also keep repeatedly smacking your head into a wall.”

Mulvaney explained that the LSD and repeated head injuries would make the Trump budget “all make way more sense.”

“Hey man, I get it,” Mulvaney admitted, “when you start your budget with a two trillion dollar WTF like we did, it’s going to make people start to question your mathematical prowess. But let me just be the first to say, we used solid Alternative Math to draft this budget, and we stand behind it 432%!”

The “two trillion dollar WTF” Mulvaney was referring to was the fact that Trump’s budget creators mistakenly used the same tax cuts to both “pay for” spending and also to make up for lost revenue from tax cuts. In other words, the Trump administration treated the money as both a credit and debit, in a sense. As reported TIME, the issue is $1.3 trillion used twice.

Under the proposed budget released Tuesday, the Trump Administration’s proposed tax cuts would boost economic growth enough to pay for $1.3 trillion in spending by 2027. But the tax cuts are also supposed to be revenue-neutral, meaning that trillion dollars is already supposed to pay for the money lost from the tax cuts. (source)

This week Mulvaney said the Trump administration would “stand by the numbers.” As he was handing the LSD to the reporters, he told them they’d understand the math used in Trump’s budget the same way he does now. Mr. Mulvaney explained that Republicans might have an easier time getting the math to balance.

“Let’s just say if you already believe that rich people get so rich when we cut their taxes enough that the extra money trickles down, eventually, to the plebs,” Mulvaney explained, “excuse, the Plebeian Americans, you can swallow just about any bullshit when it comes to the economy. Like, say, that you can blow a massive hole in your existing budget before you even start and that you can fill that hole, magically, by further reducing the amount of money you put into the hole.”

Mulvaney said that the Trump White House has some “tricks up its sleeves” still left to pull, should the American public or Congress not buy into their budget proposal due to the shoddy math.

“We’ve already contacted the world’s bigliest and best unicorn breeders,” Mulvaney announced, “and if we have to, we will jerk those unicorns off onto the budget. As everyone knows, unicorn jizz is way magical and you can do anything you want with it. It has magic powers.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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