WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within The White House say that when President Trump received a package from Special Counsel Robert Mueller, addressed to the president specifically, he flew into a nervous fit.
“What the shit is this? Mueller’s sending me packages now? SARAH! GET IN HERE SARAH,” Trump bellowed for his Press Secretary.
Within moments, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, crumbs from Corn Nuts on the corners of her mouth and chocolate sauce sliding down her chin and neck down toward her chest, appeared in the doorway of the Oval Office.
“Yes, Mr. President,” Huckabee asked.
Trump hurled the package at his press secretary’s head. Employing the skills she learned in hunting dogs with her brother to good use, Huckabee side-stepped the package and picked it up off the floor. Her fingers staining the package with a combination of nacho cheese and bacon gravy, she opened it gingerly and looked inside, frowning in a way that only turns on her husband and other barnyard animals.
“Sir, it’s a copy of Comey’s book,” Huckabee said with disdain in her voice. “Should I put in the book burning pile along with the other libtarded ones?”
Trump glanced over at a stack of books written by people other than staunch conservatives he and his staff plan to burn during the 2020 presidential campaign. Trump’s eyes flew open at hearing Mueller sent the book to him. “A Higher Loyalty” was written by Comey in the time period after Trump fired him, and in it the former FBI Director pulls no punches. In an interview on ABC this past weekend, Comey said Trump was “unfit morally” to serve as president.
“How dare that son of a bitch? How dare he,” Trump bellowed. “What nerve. The balls on that Mueller punk, sending me Comey’s book.”
As she pulled Comey’s book from the shipping envelope, a handwritten note fell out, and Huckabee Sanders picked up. Wiping her greasy fingers on her green dress, Sanders read the note aloud to the president, just like she does with intelligence briefings and KFC menus.
“Dear Donald, hope you are doing well,” Huckabee read in her trademark monotone that has been scientifically proven to evoke suicidal thoughts in people with IQs higher than 12. “Enclosed please find a copy of Jim’s book. If it’s not too much trouble, could you inscribe it to me? It’ll go in my collection of memorabilia from cases I’ve worked like the cocktail napkin of John Gotti’s I have in my den.”
“I know it’s odd that I’d ask you to inscribe it to me, and not the author, but if you hadn’t fired Jim he’d never have written the book, and I’d never have gotten this gig,” Huckabee read. “So in a way, it’s like you did write this book.”
There was one last sentence.
“Also, I wanted to get your autograph now. Not that you won’t have time later, something tells me you’ll have years of time all to yourself in a small room to sign autographs,” Mueller’s letter stated. “Besides, I think you should get used to people throwing books at you. Thanks Don! Have a great day, and I’ll see you real soon.”
Surprisingly, Trump agreed to sign the book for Mueller.
“I just love putting my name on things,” Trump exclaimed as he dragged a giant orange crayon across the book’s inscription page. “To Bob – all my best pussy grabs, DJT.”
This story is developing.