Mueller Report Documents Huckabee Sanders’ Daily Diet: A Trough Full of Bullshit

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans continue to read and digest the contents of the redacted Mueller Report, new details are emerging seemingly by the hour. One detail that emerged is that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders admitted to Mueller’s investigators that she lied from the podium, making up on the spot that she’d heard from “countless” FBI agents that they didn’t have confidence in Comey any longer.

The Mueller report says that Sanders told the special counsel’s team that her words were “a slip of the tongue.” The report also says she acknowledged the comment “was not founded on anything.” (Time)

As much as the revelation that Huckabee Sanders lies might shock people who are in a coma, or who only watch Fox News, it wasn’t the only thing Mueller’ report revealed about the president’s spokesliar. Tucked into a footnote on the report is a fascinating glimpse into Sanders’ diet. It turns out, Sarah starts each day with a heaping trough of fresh feces from a male bovine. In other words, she eats a trough of bullshit each and every day, as soon as she arrives at the White House in the morning.

“Sarah sidles up to the trough, makes sure it’s fresh as it can be, and just dives right the fuck in,” a source speaking on the condition of anonymity told us. “Sometimes she pours molten nacho cheese over it. Sometimes she uses a fork and knife if she doesn’t want to get her work clothes messy. But usually, Sarah just walks on up to the trough, gets down on all fours, and buries her face in that bullshit. It’s really a sight to be seen, let me tell you.”

Americans wouldn’t be surprised to find out Huckabee has this diet if they “paid close enough attention” to her, our source says.

“What else do you hear in her mouth than bullshit? Every day it’s just bullshit flying out of her mouth. Well, how do you think all that bullshit that comes OUT of her mouth got there in the first place,” our source asked rhetorically. “She ate it. She eats all the bullshit Trump gives her and then spits it back out verbatim, but with a derpy Southern drawl.”

One might think Huckabee Sanders would be resistant to eating a massive amount of feces every day, but as it turns out, she developed quite a taste for bullshit in her youth.

“She was raised by Mike Huckabee and was therefore told that he’s funny, witty, and a talented musician her entire life,” our source says. “If anyone was fed a steady stream of utter bullshit from the time she was born, it was the daughter of ‘Open Mic’ Huckabee.”

Working for Donald Trump has only further developed her pallette’s love of bullshit, our source tells us.

“When you work for Donald Trump, you BETTER love bullshit, because that is all you’re going to get from sunrise to sunset. You know Sarah likes bullshit because she’s still there, collecting the taxpayers’ money,” our source said. “She says every chunky bite of shit gets washed down with another zero on her paycheck.”

Apparently, she eats so much bullshit every day that at times the administration has worried if the world’s bull population can withstand her dietary needs. Huckabee Sanders has reportedly begun to consider other items to add to her daily menu.

“She could go with horse shit, because she certainly is quite fond of that too,” our source says. “Though, given her unwillingness to stand up to her boss, maybe she should switch to chicken shit instead.”

Ms. Huckabee Sanders was too busy feeding from the trough to give a lie to the press about this story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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