COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and YouTube star Jethro Bohiggins has “mixed but overall positive feelings and takeaways” from the heavily redacted Mueller Report, he told his audience today. There is, however, one area in which Bohiggins says he is “permanently and forever outraged” about the report — the fact that doesn’t even tangentially get into Benghazi.
“If Mueller and his team of super-partisan Angry Democrats who ended up making the right decision to exonerate Dear Leader were really wanting to investigate actual crimes,” Jehtro insisted, “they’d start with Benghazi and go all the way back to the jizz shot that Hillary’s mama took to form her in the womb!”
Bohiggins isn’t even sure why Trump was being investigated for collusion, obstruction, or any other charge whatsoever.
“I’m sorry, but we all know that the only crimes that should be investigated — real or imagined — are those that are committed by the Clinton Crime Syndicate, and not by the Trump Gang of Innocent Choir Boys,” Bohiggins said. “I don’t even think it’s legal, or fair, to investigate a Republican president, period. Was that not the major lesson we learned in Watergate — do not ever investigate a Republican preisdent? Pretty sure it is, fam.”
Jethro is incensed that Trump would be investigated “just because he said and did things in public that were suspicious and worthy of investigation.”
Buy this shirt from our exclusive store!
“What, just because someone says something that makes you think, really think, they probably committed a crime, we’re supposed to go and verify that,” Jethro asked rhetorically. “What’s next? Cops investigating reports of alleged criminal activity? What country do we live in if the president ain’t above the law? It ain’t America, that’s what I know, fam.”
Mr. Bohiggins says he’s read “as much of” the Mueller Report as his ninth grade education allows. He admits that the section on obstruction of justice makes even someone of his intellect wonder if Trump might actually be guilty. However, he says that all questions of Trump’s guilt should “take a back seat” until the Clintons are “completely and thoroughly investigated, in jail, dead, or all three.”
“Even if Trump had committed fifteen or twenty crimes, how can you punish Trump when the Clintons aren’t being punished at all,” Bohiggins exclaimed. “Oh, what, you have to have evidence before you know someone committed a crime in this country now, libtards? Give me a break!”
Because Mueller chose not to focus on Hillary Clinton’s crimes, Jethro says, his entire report is “worthless.”
“Maybe if Mueller had shown even a scintilla of interest in investigating the REAL criminals, then I’d care what his report says,” Bohiggins blasted. “But for now, I’m willing to take the word of a man specifically hired to make the charges go away.”
Jethro says it’s time for the American people to demand the Mueller Report be “buried at sea and never talked about again.”
“If we ever want to heal as a nation, we cannot keep trying to figure out if our president is a criminal and his entire administration is complicit in his criminality,” Bohiggins railed. “To pretend that it’s more important to know if a sitting president is a wanton criminal than it is to know if two older politicians who aren’t even in or running for office are guilty of other crimes is just folly. Democratic, libtarded, anti-American folly.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.