MTG Uses Secret Jewish Space Laser to Pinpoint Ilhan Omar’s Antisemitism

The House Republicans took control of the lower chamber of Congress two weeks ago, and after much speculation, committee assignments have been made. Surprising very few people, alleged Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA) catered to factions within his party, and stripped three Democrats, including Rep. Ilhan Omar of Minnesota, of their committee seats.

Speaking on Fox News, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) explained that Omar needed to be removed from her seat on the House Foreign Relations Committee because of her “antisemitism.” Despite the fact that Omar has only criticized and condemned certain actions taken by Israel’s secular government, Greene perpetuated the right-wing talking point about Omar being an anti-Semite. When she arrived on the Hill this morning, Greene was barraged with questions about her belief that Omar is anti-Semitic, and was asked for her evidence of such claims.

“Oh, y’all wanna see my evidence, huh? You’re all into evidence like the soyboy beta commie cuck enemies of the people Dear President Trump called you now, eh? Okay,” Greene said, removing a remote control device from her pocket, pressing a button as she did. “I’ll use my handy, dandy Secret Jewish Space Laser pointer, and show you without any doubt where Ilhan Omar’s antisemitism is.”

Greene pressed a button on her remote, clearly expecting a laser to shoot down from the sky, but instead all she and everyone else in attendance heard was a loud farting noise.

“Wait, is Sarah Huckabee Sanders here and I didn’t know it? Let me try again,” Greene said, pressing the button one more time.

@jamboschlarmbo Self-awareness is not for #marjorietaylorgree #spacelaser #satire #politik #Republican #political ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

Still another fart noise was heard. A visibly flustered Greene looked at the remote in her hand. She was clearly unsure what was going on.

“Well, clearly, I’m unsure what’s going on. I bought this Secret Jewish Space Laser pointer from Steve Bannon, so it has to be genuine and real, right,” Greene asked rhetorically. She tried one more time to press the button on her remote.

But only another fart noise could be heard. Angered by this, Greene hurled the remote at the press, pulled her crack pipe out of the other pocket, and took a big hit off that glass dick. Greene then gave the finger to all the reporters, and galloped away, crying the whole time.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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