Mother Earth Claims Credit For Threats On Scott Pruitt

THE MILKY WAY GALAXY  — Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt is under heavy fire from critics who claim he has wasted thousands, if not millions, in taxpayer dollars accruing unnecessary and inappropriate travel expenses. Pruitt’s EPA has pushed back on those criticisms, conceding the outlays have been more than Pruitt’s predecessors, but that the security increases and first class flights were necessary because of threats made against Pruitt.

President Donald Trump broke his trademark reticence by taking to a social media platform he has indicated he may use from time to time, sparingly, and with his ever-present presidential demeanor, for the odd thought or pronouncement,  to defend Pruitt.

Trump said that Pruitt has “received death threats because of his bold actions.”

However, despite the EPA and Trump claiming it, evidence of those threats have not come to fruition. Many outlets are reporting they have not found any police reports or notes of inquiries by law enforcement into threats made on the EPA head’s life. At a press conference this week, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders brushed Dorito and doughnut crumbs off her mouth and chin as she said the White House is currently reviewing the situation, but that Pruitt was in no danger of losing his job at the request of the president, at least at this time.

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Sanders was asked point blank by one reporter if she could cite any specific threats, and she was not able to. However, just moments after the press conference ended, someone stepped forward and took credit for every threat made on Pruitt since he took over leadership of the EPA.

In a written statement, Mother Earth says she was the one making threats on Pruitt, but that she never meant to threaten his life. She meant only to “scare the kind of shit out of Scott’s ass he wants to let companies dump” into her oceans. Mother Earth states in her letter that she was only “threatening Scott the way he threatens” her.

“I regret that I was brought, in a moment of weakness, to the point that I made threats on Mr. Pruitt. I apologize to the American taxpayers for costing them more money when this misanthropic douchebag decided to charge you all more for flights. If I had known the stupid fuck would take threats from a fictional character, from a goddamned metaphor, I wouldn’t have made them. But I must remember in the future that Republicans are so anti-intellectual they don’t know what metaphors or hyperbole are anymore. My bad, all. My bad.”

James‘ satire is also found on:
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The Political Garbage Chute
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