Petition Started to Remove Confederate Monument from Attorney General’s Office

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new petition has been circulating online and is gathering momentum. The petition seeks to have either the Donald Trump presidential administration or Congress remove the “racist monument to the Confederacy” from the Attorney General’s office.

“We, the people of the United States,” the petition’s cover letter begins, “hereby officially request that either alleged President Donald J. Trump and/or Congress remove the inappropriate, racist, offensive, antiquated monument to the Confederacy that is currently residing in the office of the Attorney General of the United States of America.”

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Sessions is charged in the petition with “blindly, stupidly, and against all recognition of modern medicine and science” stepping up drug offense sentencing and prosecution guidelines. The petition states that Sessions is “willfully re-instituting policies that are clearly racist in result if not in intent” like a “little bitch confederate soldier would.”

Re-escalating the war on drugs, which has a disproportionate, real impact on people of color, while not committing to really attack the prescription drug black market which ensnares far more white Americans” the petition reads, “proves that Mr. Sessions is all about keeping true to one of the Confederacy’s hallmark tenets — that white people are just inherently endowed by their creator to be in a position of supremacy over black people. It’s time for Mr. Sessions to go.”

The petition states that Mr. Sessions’ lies under oath during his confirmation hearing in the Senate Judiciary Committee about his contacts with the Russian government prove he’s “an untrustworthy, racist little cookie baking elf” and “very likely compromised by the Russians.”

“You don’t think Jefferson Davis wouldn’t have leaped at the chance to lie, under oath, to the United States Senate,” the petition asks sarcastically.

Ultimately, the petition seeks to remove Sessions from office before he can wield any more power in setting drug policies.

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“Call us crazy,” the petition reads, “but shouldn’t we be letting Americans decide our drug policy, and not big-eared Seventh dwarfs who was complicit, if not a willing participant, in helping a foreign power hack and influence our election?”

Mr. Sessions could not be reached for comment as he was mining diamonds with his six other dwarf brothers: Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, and Sneezy.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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