Proud Gun Owner Mom in Tense Mexican Standoff With 3rd Grader

CEREBRITO, TEXAS — Authorities in a Texas town at the time of publication are confirming they have “eyes on a situation” that is developing in a home in the heart of city.

“At this time we are aware of a woman in her late 20’s in what is common referred to as a ‘Mexican Standoff’ with her 3rd grader,” Chief Marvin Berry told reporters outside the Cerebrito Police Station.

Berry says that the woman has been identified as Margaret Heller, a self-described “gun enthusiast” and “Second Amendment defender” whose online presence makes it very clear she is a proud gun owner. In a March 3rd, 2016 Facebook post she told her friends and family she was “so stoked” to get a new handgun that she hoped to teach her three-year-old son Jackson to shoot when he’s ready “so like at five or six years old,” her post said.

But, Berry says, the 3rd grader appears to have already figured out how a gun works, because at approximately 8:00am this morning, Ms. Heller was in the kitchen cooking breakfast when the young child wandered in. He was carrying the new handgun that Heller had purchased earlier this month and was waving it around, demanding Cheerios and a juice box. Knowing it wasn’t time for his snack yet, Berry says that Heller told her son “no” and that’s when things took a turn.

“Reportedly, upon being told he could not have a snack, the 3rd grader drew down on his mommy,” Chief Berry told us, “and Heller drew down on her son in return, creating that classic Mexican Standoff that director Quentin Tarantino does so masterfully.” Berry then spent ten minutes explaining which films Tarantino has used the motif of two or more people pointing guns at each other, saying he was a “hardcore movie buff.”

At this time, Berry said it’s unclear how the standoff will end, but he says his department is keeping a close watch on it.

“We have our eyes on a situation,” Berry said, “and that’s all we can do. Here in the Great State of Texas we respect everyone’s Constitutional right to a firearm, even 3rd graders. So we’ll just let this one play out and see how the chips fall, so to speak.”

Chief Berry was asked if either Heller or the 3rd grader will be charged in this incident.

“Hell no! This is the price you pay for liberty,” Berry said, “3rd graders with guns. That’s just what James Madison and Thomas Jefferson wanted; little tiny hands on giant firearms. Because that makes sense.”

This story will be updated when the standoff concludes.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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