Local Man Wants Moderate Republicans To Apologize For Helping Elect An Orange Terrorist

WINTER FALLS, OREGON — Art Serabian, a 43-year-old lifelong native of Oregon, has been watching the events of the last few months with great concern, he told us via Skype this week. Serabian is a member of his local city council, and calls himself a “pretty middle of the road guy.” A Democrat, Art believes in “equality in all things” but doesn’t embrace the “super-duper PC stuff” that some on the left do. He favors letting people like right-wing provocateur Milo Yiamamalamadingdangdo speak, rather than shut them up, for instance.

However, Serabian recently addressed his local city council and during “open discussion” time, he gave an impassioned plea for moderate Republicans to come out and apologize for the election of Donald Trump, reality-TV star and alleged billionaire, to the highest office in the land.

“I would just like to know when all the good, moderate Republicans will apologize to the rest of America and the world,” Serabian’s speech began, “for standing by and helping Trump get elected. You cannot stand there with a straight face and tell me that all sixty-two million people who voted for Trump are doe-eyed sycophants. There have to at least be a few million, if not many more, who clearly understand they tacitly approved the most corrupt, inept, unqualified, unmitigated disaster of an abortion of a presidential administration ever.”

During his speech, Serabian called Trump an “tangerine terrorist” and “Apricot Pol Pot.”

“This man sends that creepy fuck Stephen Miller out in front of Sunday morning show cameras,” Serabian berated the sub-president, “and that guy goes on to sound like the most disgusting, jackbooted, authoritarian dickhead I’ve heard, maybe ever. This man is a tangerine terrorist. Apricot Pol Pot cannot be allowed to run roughshod over our nation’s government.”

Mr. Serabian said in his speech that he fears the first few weeks of Trump’s administration have only been “the tip of the dildo.”

“I swear to God,” Serabian said, “it’s only been a month and it feels like an actual, real life time. We haven’t even seen his pandering to the religious right in full tilt yet. I fear we’ve just yet seen the tip of the dildo.”

Though he’s sure that Trump will never apologize for his misdeeds, Serabian is hoepfully that good, moderate Republicans will at the very least denounce his actions as not being indicative of their way of life, culture, or values.

“Where are they,” Serabian asked, “where are the moderate Republicans denouncing this orange terrorist? We must hold them accountable as if it’s their fault, musn’t we? Is that not what America is, a nation of over-generalizing a-holes? If not, then get me the shit off this rock.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This