Muslim American Wondering When He Can Start Generalizing About Christians

GARRISON, CALIFORNIA — Mohammed Fadel has lived in America his entire life. Though his father and mother are both from Pakistan, Fadel was born in Fontana, California in 1982, and he considers himself a “proud, American Muslim,” in his own words.

Fadel recently told our reporter that after the ISIS terror attack in Paris, France recently, he’s noticed that “once again certain Americans seem ready to round up the Muzzies and put us all in camps.” Mr. Fadel says the last time he felt such intense societal pressure was just after 9/11. “You know, I’m not a Bush guy by any stretch, but at the very least, you could say that he was humane enough to remind the country that they weren’t mad at all Muslims, just the ones that attacked us that day,” Mohammed told us. Now he says, nearly 15 years of veiled — thinly and not so thinly — Islamaphobia have left him apathetic enough to wish to generalize about Christians the way he feels Muslims are generalized about.

“Without fail, whenever there is one of these horrific attacks that any sane person — Muslim or not — would condemn,” Fadel told our reporter, “you see a ramping up of the hostilities in this country toward people of the Islamic faith. It’s like they really don’t remember or care that people of the Christian faith have killed far more Americans than Muslims have.” Fadel went on to ask rhetorically, “How many Muslims do you think were fighting for Germany, Italy, or Japan in the Second World War? How many Muslims were on either the Confederate or the Union side of the Civil War? If this is truly a ‘Christian’ nation as some claim it is, then by the sheer numbers alone that means Christians commit far more atrocities in this country than Muslims do.”

“I’ve never met a Christian that didn’t want to distance themselves from the KKK or the Westboro Baptist Church,” Fadel lamented, “and yet why aren’t there demands for all Christians to denounce radical Christianity when one of their people flies off the handle and murders a bunch of black people in a church in South Carolina?” Fadel said that “seeing the difference between how a white supremacist Christian is arrested and held for trial and a suspected Muslim terrorist who’s just summarily executed with a drone-fired missile” should tell any American “all they need to know about different applications of the Constitution to different people.”

So, Fadel wonders, when can he begin lumping all Christians together? “When can I make a broad assumption that all Christians are only moral on Sunday,” he asked rhetorically before asking another question, “When can I see a crucifix on a car and just presume that they are hate-filled, selfish hypocrites who relish war like their savior would slap them around silly for?”

“I’d like to start doing that now, please,” Fadel said as he ended the interview, “If they get to pretend as if I’m a criminal just because of my religion, then guess what? Turnabouts is fair play.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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