Mitt Romney Volunteers to Replace Trump and ‘Lose One for the Team’

LA JOLLA, CALIFORNIA — The garage doors drew open as former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (R) rode up an elevator with one of his favorite cars, after which he strode out of the garage and up to a set of microphones.

“If there is anyone who is programmed to lose it’s me, Mitt Romney,” he told the assembled reporters this morning. The failed 2012 presidential nominee went on to describe in great detail how accustomed he is to losing, and how the Republican Party is in “desperate need” of someone that can “lose one for the team,” and according to Romney that person is not and should not be Donald J. Trump. Though he accepted Trump’s endorsement in 2012 gleefully, Romney told reporters he sees now that “the kind of way Donald will lose is bad for the Republican Party” but the way he lost “was the proper way to lose a presidential election.

“I will lose so graciously,” Romney told reporters, “I will lose with such style, elegance, and grace you’ll swear it’s like watching a horse dance.”

Romney referred the media to his concession speech the night he suffered an absolute drubbing at the hands of Barack Obama as evidence that he can “lose with the best of them” and said if called-upon he would gladly replace Trump as the nominee when the Republicans hold their convention later this summer. Mr. Romney said that the reports in the media are true, and that he is considering an attempt to block Trump’s nomination at a contested convention.

“If I have to,” Romney said with a solemnity in voice usually only heard in clandestinely taped donor videos, “I’ll be the nominee and lose one for the team.”

Mr. Romney estimates his chances at success against the Democrat as “roughly 47%” but more if “people start realizing free stuff is only for the rich and massive corporations.” But, he said, ultimately he knows that he’d be brought in for his expertise on one subject: losing elections.

“Other than that brief moment where I was actually the governor of a state,” Romney said, “I have a piss-poor record as a candidate. So that’s of course why it would make total sense that a party as lost in the woods as ours would even remotely consider having a loser like me represent them again, just four years after having my ass handed to me on a silver platter — which by the way is how all super-rich people get their posteriors delivered to them.”

Ultimately, Romney says he sees Trump as a problem that needs “a unique solution.” He said that the Republican Party has become so fractured that what Trump is doing is exposing — either intentionally or unwittingly — who the party has been marketing themselves to for the last 30 years and that’s dangerous. Romney said “at least when [he] lost in 2012” that he lost with “dignity that masked the fact that all the policies we proposed were harmful for the middle class and anti-equality.”

In the end, Romney says his message is “crystal clear” and “so simple even a Republican base voter could understand it.”

“Let me lose so that Donald Trump doesn’t lose,” Romney said, after which he powered down and was put back into a storage crate where he would be stored until needing to be activated again.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This