Mitt Romney Says He’ll Only Have To Sell 47% Of His Soul To Work In Trump Cabinet

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — 2012 Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney went on record during this year’s contentious election as being firmly against eventual winner, President-Elect Donald Trump. Romney’s sharp criticism of Trump was seen as a primary force in the establishment’s efforts to derail Trump’s blitzkrieg of the White House, which is why many on the Hill were shocked when the two started talking about Romney perhaps filling the Secretary of State role in Trump’s cabinet. This week, Romney was seen at a very expensive restaurant dining with Trump, and that fueled further speculation about whether Romney was “selling out” his principles for the prestigious role in the Trump White House.

This morning, Romney was spotted getting coffee and a bagel with Trump — who called the bagels “Jew Doughnuts” — and afterward he told reporters why he thinks he may able to work with Trump after all.

“Undoubtedly I will have to compromise my principles and sell a bit of my soul to be Secretary of State,” Romney said, “but after doing a lot of praying, soul searching, and basic number crunching, I’ve figured out I really only have to sell out about 47% of my soul to do take the job.”

Romney explained that since he firmly believes to this day that 47% of Americans don’t like him or any Republican because they want “free stuff,” he was able to justify turning a blind eye and ear to all the criticisms he had of Trump during the election. He said that he calculated that he’d only be upsetting those same 47% of Americans, because most other Republicans would “totally get why selling out is what the Republic needs.”

“Am I putting personal glory ahead of my morals,” Romney asked, “maybe. But it’s not like I have to bow down and kiss Don’s ring or anything, guys. I can still keep my -”

Trump interrupted Romney. He bent over and whispered in his ear, very loudly so everyone could hear.

“Actually, Mittens,” Trump said, “you WILL have to bow down and kiss my ring. Sorry, forgot to say that last night.”

A look briefly washed over Romney’s face. With a hard, visible swallow and a shake of his head, Romney made his face as stoic as he could.

“Okay, so what’s a little ring kissing between powerful politicians,” Romney asked, “it’s not like I have to swear some blood oath that supersedes my Mormonism or anything weird, right?”

Trump, again, leaned in and loud whispered.

“Umm, Mitt,” Trump said, “actually we’re going to need you to take your magic underwear off, slice open your right hand, place it on this very tiny Bible we’re using to swear me in, and promise to serve and protect me as your Lord Thy President. You’re cool with that, right? You really want to be Secretary of State, right?”

Mitt’s face dropped again. He sighed. Raising his eyes toward the heavens, and then back down again, he took a deep breath before speaking again.

“Like said,” Romney said, clearly trying to convince himself that everything was going to be alright, “just gotta sell 47% of my soul…and kiss Don’s ring…and swear a blood oath that supersedes my religious faith…and then I’ll be the best dang-gosh-golly-darned Secretary of State this country has ever seen!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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