Mitch McConnell Waiting Until Marco Rubio Shows Up to Praise His Work Ethic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters over the weekend that despite the consensus in the media that Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) doesn’t show up to vote enough to be allowed to make comments about VA employee work ethic, that he is “pleased as a Kentucky coal pie” with the Florida Republican’s job performance thus far and was there to personally thank him for all his hard work in the Senate.

“And as soon as Senator Rubio arrives,” McConnell said, “I will do just that.” McConnell told reporters he didn’t mind waiting for Rubio to show up because “it’s not like we were going to be passing any laws any time soon anyway.” Then with a laugh he said, “I mean, we’re Republican Senators. We’re not about to go and do our jobs in the first place, so to me if Rubio shows up less than half the time, he’s acting the way we want Republicans to act — like the government they’re elected to represent doesn’t matter.”

Sen. Rubio, who is currently placing below billionaire Donald Trump and neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson for the Republican presidential nomination, got into some hot water in the press and among left-leaning pundits when he said that if employees at the VA don’t do their jobs, they should be fired. Many were quick to point out that Rubio has one of the worst attendance records for votes on either side of the aisle. But McConnell was quick to remind reporters that “with a Republican Senator, you already know that unless the bill’s about military spending or cutting social welfare we ain’t gonna vote ‘Yes’ so it really does not matter to us if he shows up.”

“What better way to tell the American people how meaningless government is,” McConnell asked rhetorically while waiting for Rubio to show to work, “than to take their tax dollars and not do anything for them?” McConnell conceded that taking tax dollars and not doing any work sounded “pretty much” like the anti-welfare rhetoric his party has favored for decades, but that this was different because “Marco’s a Republican, you see.”

When Rubio did arrive at the Rotunda that day, it was at a quarter-past noon, and McConnell had to leave a note on Rubio’s desk. The note was short, simple, and handwritten. “Great work showing the American people what Republican work ethic and hypocrisy really look like, Sen. Rubio. Good luck on your presidential bid, but if you don’t win that, we’ll see you on K street sometime next year. Look forward to being lobbied by you. xoxoxox Mitchy.”


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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