Mitch McConnell Prays For Jesus’ Guiding Hand To Rip Chemo Treatments Away from Kids With Cancer

Mitch McConnell has resorted to reaching out to a higher power in the pursuit of his dream -- ripping healthcare away from millions of Americans.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the latest effort to repeal Obamacare and replace it with a Republican alternative seemingly dead in the water after two more Senate Republicans said they’d vote against it, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has said he’ll now push to have Obamacare repealed, without any replacement. This morning, at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital, McConnell led a church congregation in prayer.

“You know,” McConnell told the attendees before starting the prayer, “I know that God’s on our side, because I know that God is a Republican. He has to be. Think about it. He doesn’t interfere in your business unless you ask him. He doesn’t force you into healthcare decisions. He lets you make up your own mind. So I’m going to pray right now that he help me, if you don’t mind me being a little selfish?”

McConnell then told the congregation to bow their heads and close their eyes. He began his prayer.

“Lord God and your perfect son Jesus above,” McConnell intoned, “I pray now for your guiding hand and wisdom, oh Lord. Please help me. Help me to do your bidding and take chemotherapy treatments away from kids with cancer! Because I know that nothing would make you happier, Dear God, than to have me assist in the ripping of healthcare away from upwards of 32 million people in one stroke of legislative genius.”


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“Sweet Lord of Mine,” McConnell continued, “I remember your son’s teachings from my Sunday Schooling as a young’n. My shell was soft, by boy howdy did I listen to those words intently. And I remember Jesus telling his disciples, ‘Blessed are they who help the rich get richer.'”

McConnell continued to pray, citing Biblical passages.

“I can recall when Jesus was healing the sick,” McConnell said, “and first he’d check to see if they had a pre-existing condition. If they did, he’d charge them much more. And I remember that he always made sure to set high copays and deductibles, to protect his profit margins, O Lord.”




Dabbing tears from his massive, always wet eyes, McConnell prayed with fervor and intensity.


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“Help me,” McConnell begged God, “Help do what I know you want so badly for me to do. Help me do what your son was too much of a beta cuck, if I’m being honest, to do more often. Help me hurt the poorest among us so that my rich friends can buy a fourth vacation home on a private island, Dear Lord of Mine!”

For fifteen minutes or so, McConnell begged and pleaded with his God to let him “do the Christian thing and be very un-Christian toward The Poors.”

“I know you hate them too, God,” McConnell said, “Of course you hate The Poors. Do they ever give as much in the offering plate as rich people do? Of course they don’t. And anything they do give is clearly from a government handout, stolen from some good, honest tax sheltering One Percenter, oh Perfect God O’ Mine!”

Reached for comment, Larry “God” Schumway released a simple, three word statement in response to McConnell’s pleas.


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“Fuck Mitch McConnell,” God’s statement read.

God’s son, Jesus “Hubert” Christ, also released a statement.

“What Dad said,” Christ’s press release states, “fuck that fucking turtle pharisee fuck. He’s lucky I’m not in a money changing table flipping mood.”


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