Mitch McConnell Offers President Obama ‘Three-Fourths’ Compromise on SCOTUS Pick

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia threatens to upend the ideological balance of the high court, and both Senate Republicans and the White House know it. This has created tension between the executive and legislative branches of our government, and a war of words in the media. But early this morning, word broke that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell sent an email to President Obama directly offering him a deal.

Dear President Obummer,

The Senate Republicans and I have decided to offer you a compromise on this whole Supreme Court nomination rigmarole. We propose the following:

  • You don’t pick a successor for Justice Scalia
  • We pretend your second term only lasts three years, instead of the standard of four that all Republican presidents are entitled to.

We think you’ll find this “Three-Fourths Compromise” fits right in line with our Constitution as originally written, and therefore fits even your, high-fallutin’, constitutional scholarizin’, uppity ass. Please respond soon.


Sen. Mitch McConnell

Catching up with him outside his office in the rotunda, reporters assailed McConnell with questions about this offer. One reporter asked him why he called it a “Three-Fourths” compromise.

“I offered to let him just tap-out after the third year of his second term,” McConnell told reporters in a terse and yet leisurely tone,  “You know, three-fourths of his term.” Another reporter asked McConnell if he’d make the same offer to a lame-duck Republican president and the Kentucky Republican simply raised his middle finger and pointed it toward the reporter who asked the question.

One reporter from The Houston Gazette asked McConnell if he thought this offer was even Constitutional, and McConnell laughed for a full twenty seconds before responding.

“Constitutional,” Sen. McConnell asked rhetorically, “constitutional? Since when do we Republicans actually care about the constitutionality of things unless there’s a Democrat in the White House? You think Iran Contra, Nixon negotiating with the North Vietnamese, Reagan secretly dealing with the Iranians, or the Iraq War were constitutional?” McConnell laughed again for another solid fifteen seconds and added, “Neither Democrats or Republicans give an abundance of shits about the Constitution as long as we can argue for whatever side we want to win, you should know that by now.”

When one reporter asked McConnell what he’d tell the more than 65 million people that voted for Obama in each of the elections he won, he grinned and said, “Vote for a Republican president next time.” Then McConnell explained that “government-funded public school” doesn’t kids that there are “super special secret clauses” in the Constitution that allow Republicans to treat Democrats that reside in the White House like “the utter garbage they are.”

“Our founder knew even back then that our modern day Democratic Party would not be suitable for the Oval Office,” McConnell told the reporters, “and who am I to go against the words of dead elitist, white, rich, land owners? I mean, you know, except when I’m ignoring the Constitution’s very clear instructions on choosing Supreme Court Justices, of course.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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