WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports are coming from several Republican congressional aides with knowledge of the subject that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has become extremely nervous about his party’s chances in next year’s presidential election.
Those some aides are reporting McConnell has determined that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will likely win her party’s nomination and ultimately the presidential election, and is now scrambling to find a way to encourage members of both parties in both Congressional chambers to clear a path a third term for President Barack Obama. According to staffers wishing to remain anonymous, the Kentucky Republican has “seen the writing on the wall,” as one staffer put it, regarding the Benghazi Select Committee in the House, and has determined it will not be able to “do as much as we thought it would,” the same staffer said Senator McConnell told his team. The inability of Rep. Trey Gowdy to force Clinton to withdraw from the race has lead McConnell to determine that he’d rather have Obama serve another term, which is currently barred by the Constitution’s 22nd amendment.
“The simple fact,” another McConnell aide told the press, “is that the party has raised an absolute boatload of cash by demagogueing and fear mongering over Obama, his birth status, and his clear and obvious socialist goals for this country. We are confident we could raise some good money under a Clinton presidency, but why fix what isn’t broken,” the aide asked rhetorically. The same staffer told reporters that though it would take a “Herculean effort” to write and ratify a new constitutional amendment that would allow Obama to become the first president since Franklin Roosevelt to serve three terms as President, that McConnell is “committed to doing anything he can to maintain the status quo of doing absolutely nothing about the myriad of problems facing this country in the name of blocking the sinister agenda of President Obama.”
According to a Republican intern, McConnell “just is not that convinced he can drum up the kind of hate for Clinton that he could for Obama.” The intern said the differences between the two are “stark and obvious” to any observer. “I mean, as much as we Republicans know that racism is over in America, we know we still have to pander to racists to get votes,” the intern said, “so while we all know a female president would give us tons of ammo for terrible memes about her being on her period — of course we can only assume that Clinton’s gone through menopause but whatever — we also know that her gender could never be as good for us a subtle, silent rhetorical weapon as Obama’s skin tone has been.”
“At the end of it all,” still another Republican aide told us, “McConnell and the Republican conference simply do not want to write or pass anymore laws. Because we believe laws aren’t mutually-agreed upon rules of behavior that society accepts as reasonable guideposts to help make society as good as we can, but as thing that only mind-controlling libtard robots want. So we are committed to keeping this government that we hate working as dysfunctional as possible in order to make our argument that government doesn’t work plausible. The best way to keep that going is status quo, and the best way to maintain status quo is to change nothing, and that’s why we’d take a third Obama term over a first term for a Clinton or Sanders.”