Missouri Orphan Waiting for Sugar Daddy to Knock Up and Adopt Her

ENCEST POINT, MISSOURI — 15-year-old Kelly Meyers thought when she first arrived at Stonewall Jackson Orphanage in her tiny Missouri town that she might be able to leave before her 18th birthday, but over time, as she watched children come and go, she started to think her time would just never come, and eventually she’d “age out” of being a ward of the state.

“But ever since they passed that abortion law, I realize now all I gotta do is rope me in a Sugar Daddy,” Kelly told her local newspaper, The Standard Confederate, in an interview this week.

Kelly is grateful to state legislators who passed an extremely strict abortion ban this past week, because she says that was her ‘ticket out.”

“They honor the life of the unborn so much they make it possible for someone like me, who they stopped caring about after I was born, to climb the social ladder,” Kelly said. “I’m a really very grateful for the fact that they might not care enough about my life to fund social programs well enough for me to be able to eat well or get a good education, but that didn’t stop them from wanting to control every woman’s uterus. If it weren’t for their misogyny I couldn’t just sleep my way into marriage, because none of my cousins work or live here like a lot of the other working poor girls out there.”

Ms. Myers is curious what it would have been like to grow up sexual agency, but she’s more concerned about not hearing nuns farting all night every night for the next three years.

“Would I have liked to have been able to say for myself who, when, why, what, and how I’d have sex? And when I’d have sex to make a baby? Sure,” Myers told the paper. “But ultimately, when you’re staring three long years of sleeping, farting nuns…you take any ride out you can get.”

Kelly has asked the head nun at the orphanage to start a Tinder profile for her, and she’s got several online dating profiles saying she’s looking for a “special Sugar Daddy to adopt and knock me up.”

“You’d be surprised how many offers I’ve gotten. One guy was from out of state, so even though he was really excited for the opportunity to impregnate and marry me, we had to let him down gently,” Kelly told the interviewer, “who knows, if Mr. Moore wins his Senate race, maybe he’ll have enough clout to get around the law. I mean, Attorney General Barr has made it obvious Republicans are above the law, so it’s worth a shot, if I don’t find anyone else before then.”

High school would have to wait, and she’d be fine with it, if Kelly got pregnant before she got married.

“That’s sorta the whole point of that law, to force the birth rate and keep us all stupid and poor,” Kelly said, “And I’ve never minded goin’ along with the crowd. When in Rome, as they say.”

We’ll follow up with Kelly in a few months and see where’s landed.

Another Story: Trump Promises: “We’re Only Covering-Up How Innocent I Really, Truly Am, I Pinky Swear!”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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