Mississippi Law Labels the Pull-Out Method “Proto Abortion” and Outlaws It

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI — Pundits have been wondering if the Supreme Court’s lack of action on the new six-week abortion ban in Texas would send a signal to other conservative, red states. It would appear that, as of this morning, there was indeed a message sent and received by at least one red state legislature.

“We are here today, to announce State Bill A69 has been introduced on the floor of the Mississippi State House,” Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (Q-MS) told reporters, “and we are fast-tracking this bill today so that our governor can sign into law by lunch time. From that point forward, every penile load fired in this state better end up in a vagina, or there will be hell to pay.”

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Specifically, AB69 targets what Thompaulsen called the “Pull-Out Method” and labels it an act of “proto abortion.” AB69 attaches criminal and civil penalties for such acts. However, it’s not the person firing the load who will face the stiffest consequences, Thompaulsen divulged.

“If you’re going to have a vagina in this state, you better show some damn responsibility with it,” Thompaulsen said, “because it’s not a gun, for goodness sake! That genital responsibility is to ensure that if a peenween goes off in your general vaginal vicinity, that hot load ends up buried deep, deep within your baby hole!”

Thompaulsen closed his eyes and moaned ever so audibly. His eyes rolled into the back of his head.

“Umm, anyway. Your vulva is not a license to have sexual congress without regard to the chances that a child could be conceived, as if you’re a man,” Thompaulsen chided the women of Mississippi. “All this law does is reinforce — under the threat of physical imprisonment and impoverishment — the notion that your vagina is not yours to do with as you please, not when it’s a loaded baby makin’ chamber, and all it needs some of our sticky goo to make the baby happen!”

Rep. Thompaulsen promised that AB69 would “make the right statement in defense of unborn life.”

“Unborn life is what matters here. This law will make the right statement in defense of unborn life,” Thompaulsen insisted. “And that’s ALL unborn life. Even the unborn life that would just die in some kid’s gym sock or the shower if it weren’t ending up on a young lady’s tum-tum!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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