Millennial Lists “Making Avocado Toast” As Special Skill on App for Job Boomer Won’t Quit

LAKE FARD, MICHIGAN — Last month, Australian millionaire Tim Gurner gave some free advice to Millennials — stop buying avocados. As reported by Time, Mr. Gurner told 60 Minutes in an interview that the key to buying a new home is not buying things like “smashed avocado for $19” or “coffees at $4 each.”

“When I was trying to buy my first home, I wasn’t buying smashed avocado for $19 and four coffees at $4 each,” Gurner told the Australian news show 60 Minutes. (source)

When 21 year old Susan Firestein recently graduated from the Michigan State University, she says she had about $150,000 in student loans she would need start paying off. And so, Firestein told us she started applying for jobs within her field of study, communications. She tells us she chose her major based on the idea that “communication is the cornerstone of modern life” from the Internet to our smartphones, and she wanted to be on the forefront of it.

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“If there was a job listing looking for a position that needed a comms degree,” Firestein told our reporter, “I was all over it and then some. But no matter what, I couldn’t get hired. Mostly I was told I didn’t have enough experience, which was weird because of course I don’t have experience yet. But I also ran into a ton of times where I’d apply at a place and they said they had no openings.”

For months, Susan says she sent dozens, if not hundreds, of resumés to companies all over her local area. She expanded the radius of travel she was willing to undertake every day in her commute in an effort to broaden her employment horizons. Every single time she got a response — which Susan says was not all that often — she was told there were no positions available.

“It was definitely frustrating,” Firestein said, “because I’m out there trying to land a job and be a productive member of society. But the simple truth is that my degree doesn’t get my foot in the door if there’s nothing behind that door to offer me.

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During our interview, Ms. Firestein was filling out yet another job application. This time, it was for an Assistant Communications Liaison position at a company sixty miles north of her home. The firm she applied to has told her that the position is already held by a man who has been in it for thirty years, and that he has no plans of retiring any time soon. But they encouraged her to fill out the application, and that’s exactly what Susan said she would do.

“Sure, I have an advanced degree in a discipline that was just in its infancy when that guy started, but I get it, I’m being entitled,” Susan admitted, “you know, wanting to actually utilize my degree and help a company improve itself.”

As she got to the box on her application for “Special Skills,” Susan says she thought long and hard about it. Then, she remembered her love of avocados, and toast. After that, she remembered she was a Millennial. Susan says she carefully scrawled one sentence on the box.

“Making avocado toast,” Susan wrote.

There has been no word from the firm Susan applied to as of the date of publishing.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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