Militiaman: Trump And Gingrich The Right ‘Old, Doughy White Men’ To Lead Bloody Insurrection

HOBART, ARKANSAS — First Arkansas Militia Captain Clem O’Connell is ready to be “vigilant and hyper-aware” on Election Day this year. Clem says that he is heeding Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s admonishment to keep a very close eye on any fellow Americans he sees voting that day. He said he agrees with both Trump and his surrogate, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, when they use rhetoric that implies the election may not be a fair one, and that makes Clem believe a bloody insurrection or coup might be needed, should Hillary Clinton win.

At a press conference held outside his local International House of Pancakes, chosen because Clem said “when you’re discussing maters of international import you go to a place of international repute,” Clem explained why he’s ready to fight his fellow Americans to the bloody end with two “bold, brave, pudgy leaders” fighting shoulder to shoulder with him.

“There ain’t nobody in better fighting shape than Newt and Trump,” Clem said, making himself his daily lunch of a country fried bacon sandwich with country fried potatoes and bacon gravy, “and you can tell by just looking at them that they’re the very model specimen of masculinity and athleticism.”

Mr. O’Connell said that while he believes the election process that gave Trump the nomination was “fair and above board” during the primaries, he doesn’t trust that the General Election would be the same.

“Trump won the primary,” Clem said, “so obviously it’s fair. But it’s looking more and more like he ain’t gonna win the generalized election, and that, to me anyway, proves it’s rigged. Good, God fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots vote for the Republican every single time. And we all know there’s more of them than libtarded Americans — silent majority and all that — so if the Republican guy don’t win, I don’t trust the result.”

Clem told reporters that he’s looking forward to seeing the “stamina and energy” that two overweight, rich, older white men bring to the struggle. He said should Hillary Clinton defeat Trump in a few weeks, it won’t be because literally millions more Americans trust her to be president than they trust Trump. Instead, Clem insists a Clinton victory only confirms for him that the election wasn’t a fair one, and he thinks the Constitution gives him the right to “rectify that shit.”

“The Second Amendment clearly gives us the right to keep and bear arms for the express purpose of murdering American citizens if they voted for someone we didn’t vote for,” Clem said emphatically, “and I’m willing to stake my Trump University law degree on that fact.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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