INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA — These days, Governor Mike Pence (R-IN) is spending most of his time packing up his things for his move into the Vice-President’s residence. Come January, he will be the second most-powerful man in the free world. However, reports out of the nascent Trump administration are that over the weekend Pence and another close friend of Donald Trump’s got into what one aide described as a “heated exchange” over who would wield the most power and influence over the president-elect once he’s sworn into office.
“Governor Pence was quite upset when all the news broadcasts started running stories about the CIA believing Russia was targeting our election in an attempt to get President-Elect Trump elected,” one anonymous source told reporters in an email sent to thirty-eight different media outlets, “and he confronted a few people about it.”
According to the source, the first person Pence reached out to was Trump.
“Can someone let me know when our boss is done tweeting angrily at NBC news and Saturday Night Live,” Pence asked when he couldn’t reach Trump on the phone, “and get me Russia on the line.”
An aide grabbed a red phone from an attache case and dialed a specific number. When the person on the other end answered, the aide handed the phone to pence. Vice-President-Elect Pence began speaking calmly, in a measured tone, but the anonymous source says it was obvious that “rage was seething just below the surface.”
“Vlad, good to speak to you,” Pence reportedly said into the phone, “hey, look, about these reports of your hacking. Yes. Mmhmm. Right. Exactly. Indeed. Hmm? No. Yeah, absolutely.”
For ten minutes Russian President Vladimir Putin and Mike Pence discussed the hacking story and what it meant for the next four years.
“Look, Vlad,” Pence said, “I took this job under one condition — that I’d be given a Cheney Pass. I didn’t become this orange fuckwit’s veep so I could take a backseat to you. I’m a little worried that you think you’re the one who gets to control Donald, and not me. That was not our agreement. I’m supposed to be the lantern-jawed, bigoted, VP who really pulls the strings behind the scenes, and you were supposed to be the foreign leader with mystique!”
Another tense but polite spate of conversation between Pence and Putin transpired.
“Mr. Putin, I just want to make sure that I get my turn is all,” Pence said, “I get that we’re all really excited for this new endeavor together, but I gotta be honest here. The reports make it seem like you’re going to be the one who’s really making the decisions during the Trump Era, and I clearly thought that was going to be my job.”
While the conversation didn’t end with an immediate resolution, the anonymous aide said that the call also didn’t end on any “sour or bitter notes.”
“Well, sure, we can just let this whole thing play out,” Pence said, “chances are the orange dipshit will do something bad enough to get impeached and tossed from office. Then I get the big kid job anyway. So yeah, let’s just put a pin in this conversation until another time. Spasibo i do svidaniya, Comrade.”
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